My Meaningless Existance

I may have messed up big time

2009-11-21T07:32:00.001-08:00

Never play with HTML unless you know what you're doing.

Since I have screwed up big time with my blog, I'm considering to move to another.

and by considering, I mean, I will soon.

Hopefully that one will last longer than this one did.

80 Posts - END -

I may have messed up big time

2009-11-21T07:32:00.000-08:00

Never play with HTML unless you know what you're doing.

Since I have screwed up big time with my blog, I'm going to move to another.

Hopefully that one will last longer than this one did.

Recently...

2009-11-10T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well anyway, lets get on with it...

My SPM is coming up soon, thought I'd post this first.

Need I say more? The cold lasted for a few weeks and I used up half the tissues in my house.

Bravo, Mr.Valedictorian, your tears move me. . . Sorta. . .

I bet when a girl looks at me, she does not see:

1) A Guy

2) An Alright Guy

3) An Alright Guy with HOPES

What see does see is:

Its sad, but probably true.

Which leads me to the hill behind the school to scream my troubles out to the world(Not true)

" I WISH I WAS BORN COOL SO GILRS WOULD LIKE ME!! "

" WHY WASN'T I BORN WITH AWESOME-NESS!? "

God answered in all his majestic ways.

My dogs got beat up by people the other day for killing their pet cats.

Now they howl like nobody's business.

But i have a solution to this problem...

PRESENTING MY NEW I-POD NANO!!

"I can still sort of hear them though..."

Thank you evil sister for helping me, I appreciate it.

I HAD A DREAM THAT SOMEONE CONFESSED THEIR LOVE TO ME!!

"It was a girl at school... someone I knew... "

"It wasn't Yin though!"

" So who gives a f***? A dreams a dream they don't amount to s*** "

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A RECENT TRIUMPH ( How? I don't know )

I successfully configured my router without consulting professional help!

Yes... perhaps you might think its nothing much, but its an accomplishment for me.

So suck it.

Me and Han at a Chemistry Seminar recently... ( TODAY )

Business as usual.

My tuition teacher. Hes really good with words.

T.T: " Don't worry too much, just do your best "

Me: " ... ( >_< ) "

Once again...

I find myself surround in a circle of romance and passion...

All people I once knew...

All who are now tainted my romance...

All that love... swirling around my head... MOCKING me...

I can fix that.

Till Next Time!

Junne: " So... you were gonna shoot me? "

Me: " ... "

Han: " You asked for it Kai "

Till Next Time.

Rant

2009-10-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

Manga class was canceled, so guess whose house the two other students besides me went to?
My PS2 was being screwy and the game wouldn't load when we got back to my house...
In the end, one of my guests fell asleep...
The other one was having a conversation with me, but was pre-occupied...

Yin, she sure brought back some recent memories...

Maybe I never really liked her you know?
Maybe to me, she was like this pretty doll, sitting in a window...

A doll, I hoped I saved up enough for... even though it wasn't suitable for me...

A doll that somebody would ultimately buy before I could have saved even a fraction of what was enough to buy the doll and her heart...
I shouldn't talk so much though, I'm practically sitting in some dark closet that has a one way mirror. Staring at the lovers that pass until my heart shatters...

Who would want a teddy bear with a glass heart? Its insane!

Times like these... I begin to let my mind wander...

Someday...

Anyway, I wonder how life would be if I had better looks, I mean I bet I'd be crushed on by a whole LOT of girls... ( Being a narcissist here )

Unlike SOMEONE I know...
I wish I looked something like this.
THEN I'D TOTALLY OWN IN LIFE, I'D HAVE MY OWN MANGA AND ANIME!

I'd be the coolest guy in school! Admired secretly by the adorably cute and beautiful girl of my dreams, but I'd just act cool and play hard to get until the last second... Then I embrace her! She looks at me... with those eyes, teary and filled with romance... I caress her cheek and slowly place my lips against hers... as the snow begins to fall, slowly captivating the moment and its stillness... the credits ROOOLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!

...

Yet Instead I look like this..

Mel: " I think you exaggerated it a little"

Kai: : " Leave me alone... I'm going to go lie down or something... "

Till Next Time...

Bad Idea

2009-10-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

So one day, I'm looking for things to delete on my mac to save space...
I see a folder that takes up 16 GB...

Its where I kept all my music...

In my mind, I figured all the music I play gets sent to the itunes folder in your mac, thats why you never get that "cannot find music error"

"WHAT A GREAT WAY TO SAVE SPACE!" I Thought to myself as I callously deleted all my music files...

But in the back of my mind... a little voice was screaming out in agony...

"You should have backed them up in case something horrible happens"

...
Well, I think I should have listened to that voice...

Wha- ... What happened to all my music? "Couldn't be found?" ...

"Couldn't be found" ... ... ...

Needless to say... I was a little upset after that...

Han offered to give me the music that gave him. Pus some others that he had.

I was determined after that to get all my missing music back... After all... Music was... part of who I was...

So here I am, on a mad music hunt, for the things that I have lost...

I have a few sites to leech off of but if any of you have any info on some OTHER useful sites...

Let me know, any help is much appreciated...

Well anyway, Till Next Time

Scale a Mountain

2009-10-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today, I scale a mountain.
And Yukee's Birthday.

Happy Birthday man.

On a side note

Someone was absent for her exams...

Someone was cranky

Till Next Time

True Fear - A complaint out of Fear

2009-10-09T20:14:00.001-07:00

Hey, let me tell you about someone I've known for almost 2 years.

Shes a really obese woman and has total anal issues.

But she has a thing for me you know? Like I'm her favorite or something... I try to stay away, but she keeps trying to get me... Mocking me and s***...

You don't know the half of it.

I'm her student.

Of the Wonderful Art Of Literature.

Stupid B**** has a thing for me coming late and f***

She has all these F***ed up rules about how we should talk...

My god shes a hypocrite...

She can call in sick whenever she wants to.

But me, I step in late for just one second...

COME ON FAT A**!!! I'M HUMAN!! I MAKE F***ING MISTAKES!!!

PLUS ITS NOT MY F***ING FAULT!! MY MOM IS DOING SOME S*** OUTSIDE I DONT KNOW ABOUT!!!

WHY THE F*** ARE YOU TAKING IT OUT ON ME!?

Hey Get this, One day I coudnt take the heat for my stupid useless mom

SO I yelled at her and cried and s*** you should have seen it.

Then she decided to have a talk with FAT A**

You know what that FAT A** says to me later?

" Don't upset your mom anymore, the important thing is solving the problem "

WHAT THE F***!??!!?

YOU YELL AT ME FOR GOD KNOW HOW LONG

AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THE IMPORTANT THING IS SOLVING THE PROBLEM?!?

WHAT THE F***?!!? I'M PULLING ALL MY F***ING HAIR OVER THIS STILL!!

From that day onwards I really hated that OBESE FATSO...

I mean c'mon, you act all righteous and s*** but you're no better.

You're so FAT that your ass can probably be registered as a lethal weapon.

About the word limitations thing, she tells us we cant use the word "Fat" in her class

Double-U Tee Eff...

Man I never knew I could be so afraid AND ANGRY at the SAME TIME over some fat a** who is teaching me something...

She says I not only teach literature, I also teach about something else.

Yea from now on. I've learn that I...

I HATE OBESE PEOPLE

Who teach Literature.

Man shes scary, shes got me shivering and hugging myself...

Now I forgot about her class on Friday.

I'm gonna tell her I was legally dead for 15 minutes in the hospital. X_X

Or my parents were fighting again, that always works out you know?

Only a few more weeks now Kai...

...

Tell Next Time

Desktop Died

2009-10-08T04:55:00.000-07:00

Yea it was going to happen sooner or later, but it happened...

Then, I plugged my internet into my Laptop.

So now I can come online.

:D

Anyway things have been okay for me for awhile...

I don't like it since that's always a sign that something will go wrong...

But what the hey, I'll just go with it you know?

Recently some things cleared up and I learned somethings about the people around me.

Its surprising, but I suppose you never stop learning until you meet our end.

And even after that, I'm not sure if you really stop learning.

Well I have nothing else to say...

And when one has nothing else to say.

He listens.

Till Next Time.

I don't come here often anymore

2009-09-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

That is, I don't see the need to.

I don't need to tell the world how I feel.

I don't need anyone else to know what I think about things.

Its not like anybody really cared.

Its not like any of it really matters.

So good riddance.

My routers busted, I have a life beyond my blog, its not a necessity.

So stop asking me why I'm always offline.

...

Its... been lonely...

I'm going to miss this place.

But for now I must let you go.

Theres no point in holding on to something like this.

Its just another excuse for me to complain.

Although it was good for self-expression.

I'm not very fond of coming back here anyhow.

So good riddance and Good Bye.

For now.

I'm going to face the world without having to depend on you.

For now.

So let me abuse you, one last time just like last time...

For now.

My words...

You may the the only ones who can truly express me...

Who truly grasp me...

Who truly know who I am...

I'm going to sleep.

Leaving you to your rest once again.

For now.

Its Official!

2009-05-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

My life sucks.

A Question

2009-05-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

How does someone get his self-esteem back?

I mean there wasn't a whole lot of it, but you know, it was just enough. For me anyway.

You can do the things you love...

Try and forget about the bad and just think about the good...

...

Get some support from the people around you...

...

Just ... feel good?

Yes, just move on, pick up the pieces and just walk away...

I'm going to have a moment with myself.

Don't stare Kai, its rude...

Its not healthy to stare...

But Kai, I feel what I feel...

I have to be honest with my emotions...

No, Kai, walk away, it will be better this way...

OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW KAI!?

I KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU DO!

THATS NOT A WHOLE LOT!

I KNOW KAI!

...

Life is hard, suck it up you loser.

You can at least THAT right Kai?!

What if I CAN'T Kai!?

Then I overestimated you.

Maybe you did Kai

...

You can't be honest with yourself because you're afraid of what other people think.

You think maybe if you acknowledge your OWN strengths

You're being a boast, a jerk.

So you try and make OTHER people do it for you.

You histrionic little loser.

WHATS YOUR PROBLEM!?

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BEATING ME UP!?

...

I could ask you the same question Kai.

...

No matter where you walk, you are always with me.

In that respect, I am always with you.

We are one in the same.

Except I say what you want to say.

You hold back too much.

I'm sick of beating myself up...

But you're STILL doing it now.

I'M NOT PROUD OF THE THINGS I DO!!!

WHY NOT!?

I... don't... know...

You tell me smart ass, I mean it seem like you got everything figured out about me.

I only know as much as you do.

Then you DON'T know the answer!?

Yeap

YOU HYPOCRITE!!

Those words ONLY reflect on yourself...

Oh... I so... want...to...kill... you...

Then you'd be killing yourself.

Sometimes, I feel like its worth it.

Is that sometimes now?

It depends

On what?

How annoying you are

But I'm very annoying.

I can see that

So are you going to kill me?

Yes... and No

... You were always good at talking crap.

I know

Oh look I just acknowledged one of my strengths... I'm so vain and boastful.

Of course you are Kai...

Of course you are...

...

What about you No One You Know?

You've been awfully quiet...

Don't test me fool

Should I emerge again, your soul shall be my catalyst for dread

Ahhh... No One You Know, you were always such a bastard.

Give the guy a break Kai, hes just misunderstood.

Yea sure, just like Godzilla...

Why you...

Are you really in a position to mock me right now? Fool, have already forgotten the events that transpired earlier last week?

Nope.

Then you should be sad and gloomy.

Why is that?

Because you have just been branded King Of All Fools!

Don't be mean No One You Know...

Silence! You're just as pitiful as the Fool, both of you disgust me with great intensity...

Well you're just sad and spiteful, you lame everyone else for making life so bad!

And you deny that, because YOU think its not right to blame other people for someting unreasonable.

Thats just how Kai is, always wanting to play hero...

... Now I feel like a Zero...

I told you it was a fruitless effort, really, embracing a childhood novelty as your dream, I had better luck convincing you to commit suicide.

You ALMOST did, but Kai wouldn't let me.

Thats because I'm too much of a coward...

So you think you can do it now?

Maybe.

Then your entire life would hve been for Naught.

DOES THAT MATTER TO YOU!? EMO BOY!?

No, but your meaningless existence simply justifies my theory.

What? that life is pointless and everything I feel means nothing!?

Precisely... I bet even the fool agrees....

But thats how life is, nothing is for certain and means nothing until you want it to...

It all depends on you Kai...

SHUT UP!!

You can open your eyes now Kai.

Your friends will talk to you later...

For now, lick your wounds like a flea ridden mongrel.

The Healing, has just begun...

As A Man

2009-05-17T04:15:00.000-07:00

I must be tough, perseverance must be my name.

No matter what, I must not crack under pressure.

Even if I have to write 50 times of the same 2 poems, over and over again.

Kai Mushito will prevail!

...

*sniff*

Today i start my manhood by telling myself I'll get through this...

Oh for the love of god...

Be a man Kai! Don't complain!

Do your best and never regret anything.

Make sure someday people can depend on you!

You can already kill cockroaches with your hands...

The next step is to squish a maggot with your finger.

...

Not happening...

Til next time

Oh god, I wish i didn't look...

2009-05-16T20:06:00.001-07:00

Oh well, I have nothing better to do anyway, so since I looked at Han's tag, here we go...

1. Besides your lips , where is the favourite spot to get kissed ?
... If theres a girl out there who wants to find out, I'll show you ;)

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning ?
I felt dizzy, just like every other morning :)

3. Who was the last person / people you took a photo with ?
... I can't remember- oh wait! Its Ngar Mun! ... o_o"

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled ?
Very, I have a roof over my head, and a family, but i want more.

5. Will you ever donate blood ?
Probably, maybe once I learn how to drive.

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
... Yes...

7. Do you want someone to be dead ?
Of Course!

8. What does your last text message say ?
"5Z62E-79JDV-79NAM-ZGVE6-ARBWY" Yukee was asking for the Cd-key

9. What are you thinking right now ?
Anyone interested?;)

10. Do you want someone to be with you right now ?
If your question meant if I want my lover to be by my side, I don't have a lover. Perhaps not now, Wait until I become a fully matured man ;) ... But if anyone's interested now... ;)

11. What was the time you went to bed last night ?
1am

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now ?
Pasar Malam. Very cheap.

13. Is someone on your mind right now ?
Yes.

14. Who was the last person who text you ?
Yukee, asking for CD-key

Person to do this quiz...
Anyone who wants to do it.

Spice It Up

2009-05-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I GIVE YOU!!!

PACMAN!

Enjoy.

Does Anyone see the poll thingy?

2009-05-14T03:48:00.000-07:00

Nevermind...

Anyway, after realizing that there is no opportunity for love around me and focusing on whats ahead of me, I decided on plan what I'm going to do, MORE carefully next time I go after girls. Women are tricky, but remember, the harder the catch, the better it will taste at the end of the day.

Yea, I'm writing dating tips for myself again, so I can look back 12 years later and see if I'm following them. Or maybe I just feel like it, so whatever, read at your own risk.

One thing I messed up this time,its that I got desperate. When you are trying to get closer to a girl you like, make sure she NEVER realizes you're doing it, otherwise, if shes aware, its hard to approach her, since shes aware of your "thing". Play it cool, sms her once in awhile and make sure you don't sms her MULTIPLE times or once more if she does not reply. Once again, you'd be digging your own grave if you did, desperation breeds discomfort,and girls can react in a variety of ways, from ignoring you to avoiding you, to being afraid of you. It depends.

Anyway, there are a few things most girl like in a guy, thats : Confidence, Dominance, Bravery, Decisiveness and a Handsome face ( Now a dayla, girls are like that ). Unfortunately, jerks have these qualities, while guys like me don't. So some sabotage is in order ;) Nah, just be yourself, girls who have dated men like that are likely to stay clear of them. But i could be wrong, since guys like that usually have everything so easy. Their laid back style, makes girls attracted to them. I think.

Another thing i realized recently was... "The feel" I usually hear girls talking about this, its the excuse they give me when I ask them: "WHY WON'T YOU GO OUT WITH ME?!"

Anyway, "The feel" is actually love, without love from BOTH parties, your feelings will crash and burn and will be called a "crush" which is what your feelings will be if you think it will work out...

Of course you could... find an opportunity to get close to her and everything, but hey, these days a guy my age has school, friends, homework and killer teachers, what chance do you have? If shes close to you as a friend, its a whole lot easier, but... if not... .... ...

Give up

Let your feelings slide, It sucks... but in the end, when you have no:

1) Opportunity
2) Things To talk about
3) Language
4) Handsome Face
5) Humor

You really should just forget about it, besides, too much trouble in the log run.

Your friends might discourage you, you will feel intense and violent rage, but it can mean TWO things nola, THREE things!:

1) They don't want you to get heart broken << ( You only hurt the ones you love )
2) They don't fully support you

OR

3) They are stabbing you in the back and trying to steal the girl for themselves

If No.3 is true, you'll feel even WORSE when he GETS your girl.

You'll be screaming in your head:

1) "OH GOD! WHY HIM!!! ARGHHHHH I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER SO MUCH MOREEEE"
2) "I'll never trust anyone again"
3) ":) I am going to kill him"

OR

4) "I'm going to kill myself"

If you've chosen no.4, don't jump yet! Despair might consume you but shes not the ONLY girl out there who is perfect for you. Just play it cool and forget her. If she doesn't have the SLIGHTEST hint of feeling for you, there wasn't a point anyway, so drop her. You can glare and wince at the two once in awhile but until you get out of school, you shouldn't beat the mentioned person into a bloody mess UNLESS he walks up to you and gloats, over and over again, until you can't take it anymore.

Then you mess his face up. :D

What is perfection anyway? We don't HAVE such a thing, only things that are really close, so never think: "Shes the one" before you actually hear her say she loves you too. Until then you should say: "She MIGHT be the one" its close, but holds entirely different meaning to it.

Well I'm satisfied...

Anyway, I realize I'm only writing things to GET girls...

...

Wait till I GET girls.

Then I'll write about how to stay in a relationship with them...

Maybe someday, even...

"How to tell shes 'The One'"

Till Next Time!

Happiness :)

2009-05-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

Its like i forgot what it was like, i mean... I've never felt this way in a long time...

I feel like smiling for no reason, I feel better than ever and I don't feel so bad about myself!

This weekend was my birthday, i didn't think anyone would remember, since for the past 5 years, no one really cared...( Which was alright, but sad ) But hey, this year was different!

At first my uncle was getting married. I mean, on my birthday. I didn't know a whole lot about him, so I figured he was just another jerk, I mean, some of my uncles are, and I just couldn't be more careful...

But after I knew him a little better, I realized he was a great guy, and he had a whole lot of faith in me. Which was surprising since we just met.

He told me not to worry about girls who can't accept me, for now, I'm not yet... ripe... yea ripe, not yet right for the picking, I mean I'm not a real man yet, and I've got a long way to go... But until then he told me to do the best I can at whatever I have, then someday, when I've finally reached my peak, I'll have more than just a chance.

It made sense, but i felt like someone was telling me the SAME things. Over and over again, I mean its not like I've never heard of it, but he put it in a way that made me trust him a little more, Plus his bride was a chubby, but warm hearted and cheerful woman, so he can't be all THAT bad.

It was Saturday i think, Saturday night. It was close to 12am, Happy Birthday... Weeee... I mean when i really thought about it, the wedding just suffocated my nonexistent birthday even more, but they were really nice people, and truly loved each other, so why should I hate them? For stealing my spotlight? Thats just so... Childish...

But anyway, get this, I was just about to go home when someone smses me and its her! Dude I mean, it was 12.01 I think and she actually took the time to sms me and wish me a happy birthday! I was really touched, but get this, a whole lot of other people did too! Yea I know it sounds like I'm pathetic or something, but I've never had people remember my birthday before, sad isn't it?

Today was great, I mean, I don't know if Kiet Eie or Woon Yin really expected me to cry but hey I was GOING to. The prefects just showed up to ruin the mood. >;(

But whatever, I felt great. I can look her in the eye again and I know that people don't treat me like dirt. So I feel good, and its great.

Thanks everyone, for planting this smile on my face...

Thanks... for everything...

;)

HAHAHA!

Till next time!

Confidence

2009-05-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

This wind is blowing in my direction...

A poem for confident people
...

I always hated the way you wore your hat
Always so smug and confident
Not realizing how you drown in your own hypocrisy
Trowing out egg shells on the streets below

Yet you wear that cocky, arrogant smile so well
Prancing about with your beliefs and speeches
Hugging strangers that silently whimper at your approach
How high is the sky?

How high does the sky stretch?
How high until your wings give way and you fall to your adolescent knees?
Fickle are your ways, You have no honor!
Yet be wary. The moment you doubt yourself...
The strangers will tread on your broken eggshells no more

I always hated how you wore your glasses
Like a mask against the times
Like a smile you find sublime
Like an arrogant little brat

Yet you dare not admit
The hatred that you harbor
You're just like the latter
Of common mishaps and undignified punks

Shame befalls the wicked
Just as wickedness begets fortune
Just as fortune begets happiness
Bad people are just bigger parasites who dare to leave
This toxic filled abyss of colors

Perhaps your eyes gleam with joyous a fracas
A war between your beliefs and reality
Shine true, smug bastard
Flourish in your garden of thorns and dominant aphids
And never say die

Unfortunately for me. You should know too...

2009-05-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

I've wondered what life means to me again today...

I wondered what happens when I die again...

You know what?

I really don't think it matters...

Not now anyway...

Nothing ever goes the way you want it to!

That's life!

You get really OLD trying to figure it out...

I mean it youngsters!

Look at this old man! He spent his life worrying about something that you really shouldn't care about...

Look at these wrinkles now...

Since even if you can't shake off that question...

Perhaps the afterlife is just like life itself...

The afterlife, may just be what you make of it.

So I'm going to die...

Old sad and alone!

But I have friends...

Thank you all!

Even if I know most of you forget an old man like me...

Being a part of your lives is... enlightening...

Meeting new people, I used to dread it...

I never seem to meet the right people...

I remember chatting up about an old school bully today...

That guy is nuts...

I can't believe me and him were once pals! Dude I mean... ME!

Well I did some things in the past I'm not proud of, but no ones perfect and everyone makes mistakes...

I was being immature, I thought maybe everyone has good in them... somehow...

Oh, god lord how I was wrong...

Not everyone is a good person Kai...

But the world isn't out to kill you...

You have a new friends, even new families...

These people, may get you upset, but that's just how you are...

Sensitive... You bruise easily...

You are really Jealous of other people...

But you didn't stop to think maybe people might be jealous of you.

Who in the right mind, hahah, besides me...

Admits they are jealous?

Of course not.

Just because people will never admit it and you might be wrong.

Doesn't mean you should shut off that possibility altogether.

But why? Why do I want people to be jealous of me?

Deep down inside... I do...

I know its wrong, but I sometimes wish that people looked up to me...

I want to be... respected... I don't want to be treated like dirt...

I know I'm strange, its a disease I was born with...

Its called being histrionic*

( *histrionic |ˌhistrēˈänik|*
adjective
overly theatrical or melodramatic in character or style : a histrionic outburst.
• formal of or concerning actors or acting : histrionic talents.
• Psychiatry denoting a personality disorder marked by shallow, volatile emotions, and attention-seeking behavior.

- I'm not trying to be rude or anything, not everyone uses this word in thier life everyday, so I just wanted you to know... )

I always wanted to be hero...

To be... main character, the person in the spot light.

Its the truth, no matter how much I don't want to admit it.

I really want that, and I've decided to stop lying to myself.

People may not like me for it.

But being myself is being myself.

If you DON'T like it.

I'll try to move out of your way if I can help it, but I wont change who I am.

If you think you can, go ahead.

I'm open to new experiences, haha as long as I don't die from it.

Falling in love once has thought me many things...

I realized that trying to be someone else, just got in my way...

That trying to be cool, manly... or whatever girls like in a guy...

Its just not me...

I'm not cool or manly, so what?

Its sad that I fell in love with you, but regardless, I have to move on and try to mend the hole I have ripped between us as well as myself.

Sorry Han, even though it was me who asked for those tips...

I was just really asking to be shot down...

I mean pretending to be something I'm not... Just so maybe I'll have a chance...

Maybe I thought I could do it at first...

Hahaha, it doesn't matter now though...

I know many of you out there don't believe in me.

You think perhaps I can't make it.

Perhaps you're right.

Maybe its the truth.

But maybe I listen to gossip too much instead of myself...

I try to be better for other people...

But I usually try to hard or can't pull it off.

So excuse me.

I DO have people who support me.

Who think I'm capable of something.

Realizing that, it really made me feel happy...

So thanks.

Sorry I'm making this sound like its all about me.

But this is MY blog ;)

But I want the people I know who believe in me...

I believe in you too...

It sounds mushy and I'm probably going to regret typing that later...

But I believe in these people, more than I believe in myself...

Everyone's good at something...

I guess I was just too blind to see that one should not blame oneself when one is not good at everything...

Anyway, thats that.

I said what I wanted to say.

Again.

Till Next Time!

Love in Death

2009-05-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for my English homework, it was really sad It actually made me want to tear...

It was my last final days to live. I can overhear the doctors as they chatter away about my condition, I can tell, I wont live long, despite the fake smiles, which one can so easily see past. Adolescent days passed me by like the people in the cold and dark hallways, they were always well lit, but to me, the florescent lights were always dim, such was the depressing atmosphere that shrouded the ominous and cold graveyard, that people called a hospital. Yet, in that god forsaken place, I was the happiest young man to ever walk the halls of death. For she was always with me, bright, charming, quirky and always radiant. Yes, though I dare not speak her name, but Patient 56 would always be there, with her warm smile.

She was always so happy, like a single stream of light, slicing through the endless horizon of dark clouds, sparkling as a single beacon of hope in my life. Never a day spent in that wretched place where she would not plant a weak and pitiful smile on my pale face. Yet bitter was I, bitter because of the fate the almighty had bestowed upon an adolescent child such as I, A child who would cry out in her sleep silently, suffocating her weak sobs so as to hide her agony and sorrow. You see, Patient 56, was unfortunately diagnosed with a rare type of heart disease that only infected certain people, the symptoms only present themselves in the darkness of nightfall, the pressure in her chest would rise drastically and her heart would ache tremendously, and a certain day in her life, she will face sudden death and her heart will finally shut down. The only known cure was extensive treatments that might backfire and shorten her already dwindling lifespan instead. But she was strong, stronger than I, a boy, would ever be, her courage and determination was the facade she put on for the time she spent in the gloomy hospital. It was an inspiration to everyone, at times, the nurses would tear to see her struggle through the pain that her heart wrought her, it too, brought tears of pity to my eyes.

The long walks I spent with her, they meant everything to me. Just reminiscing about her brought tears of joy to my weary eyes. Though her plight was similar to mine, but she always told me to never give up, that life was too short for me and that I would leave this hospital, alive. She was older than me, yet she was about half a head shorter, I recall having to tilt my head down to see her bright and cheerful face, Her petite height was not a side effect from the unruly treatment, rather, it was simply something that ran in her family, it made her look much younger for her age, like an adorable child, so full of hope. Yet, her womanly charms were not stained by the treatment, her body was beautiful as it was radiant. You could clearly see the outline of her gorgeous figure, even through the hospital robe. But she always knew how to kill the mood, when I would speak of romance and forget my dying body, she would tell me that I was wasting my affection on a corpse. Though it was merely a joke and she would smile at me, it wounded my heart to hear her say that, I would stop laughing and everything would turn dead silent, neither of us would even breathe, then we would spend the night simply gazing at the stars, uttering not even a whisper. At times, she would turn in early, for she did not wish for me to see the pain that she would experience later in the night.

Her iron will was fast corroding, being ground to oblivion and submission as the leaves feel from the trees in autumn. Everyone has their limits, I could sense that hers was nearing its breaking point. She simply could not bear it anymore, the occasional nights where she would wake up in a cold sweat and scream in agony, clutching her breast tightly as doctors and nurses would rush in, administering drugs and painkillers, were taking their toll on her radiant soul, smothering her radiance. I was cursed to witness her torment. At times, I wished that i could ignore it, but I had to watch, I simply had to, no matter how much of a torture it was to watch her writhe in agony, I had to see if she was going to be okay. I had to see her smile at me, to know that she was still alive. Patient 56, was a pacifist, which meant that any sort of violence was unacceptable under any circumstances, she believed that the world would be a better place if everyone stopped fighting and smiled more often. She also thought that causing others pain was a terrible crime, no matter who, or why. She was the perfect girl, I was filled with abstract and fanciful thoughts of escaping the reaper and his scythe and going far away from the prison that chained our love. Yet, no matter how far I flew, she would ultimately send me crashing back into reality. For she did not love me.

"What's the point in loving someone who was dying?" She would ask. Yet I knew that she only said those words for the pity she had for me. Her lies would show in her eyes, so clearly like the light she so naturally radiated. For you see, I knew there was another in her heart, and once I knew who it was, I was set to die on that hospital bed. I blamed myself for not realizing sooner, even if the girl was in a hospital, she was no deprived of the outside world. That person who comes in once a week. The one who would make her giggle that distinctive giggle. That person allowed her to be her true self. I was a mere spec of insignificant dust compared to this man. Yet I took pleasure in spending time with her, chatting the hours away like good friends. Those days in that hospital were truly a blessing, a short, cheerful, brave and compassionate blessing. These words I so joyfully tell, mean nothing. For the time I spent with her transcended the bound of human words. At least, it did for me.

The three months that follow brought about great news. Patient 56 was discharged from the hospital, somehow, she had made a miraculous recovery and was free to lead a normal life. She was overjoyed to be reunited with her lover, the tears of sorrow that flowed from her eyes at nightfall, were now tears of joy and delight. The relief she felt brought a clear and untainted smile on her face. Her figure and beauty were, if not more radiant than before, almost the same as the days I spent with her. Though she did grow a little taller. She rejoiced as she embraced her lover and danced out of the hospital with her loyal hospital staff, following her in her parade of triumph. It was truly a delight to see her one final time. She never came back to visit me after she stepped out of the hospital. I'm sure she did not wish to hurt me anymore, after all, she was a pacifist. Hoping I would just forget about the times we spent would bring me less pain. At least, thats what she thought.

Patient 56, was a thoughtful and caring girl, who was, although a bit on the short side, was a real fighter and had the will to stand on her own to feet. She was honest as she was strict, never a day did she forget to shun my endeavoring affection for her. She was cheerful and bright, like a single star in the night sky, shinning oh so ever brightly, giving hope to those who wished upon her. She was my first and last love, she truly did enjoy ruining the mood, it was like a hobby to her. yet she would always smile, and it was that same smile, which she had on her face when she left. Thank you Patient 56, for basking me with your glow. I whispered under my breath as I ran past the doctors, the state of shock I put them in by a man who would die that day, paralyzed them. I didn't know why I ran, perhaps it was regret, sorrow or maybe it was fear. But I wanted to run as far as my dying body would carry me. At least, until I left the entrance. As I succumbed to the pain, my vision blurred, time seemed to slow down as I fell to the cold hard floor. At the very least, I had made it out of the hospital, alive. I died with a smile on my face and a hole in my heart. Good bye...

My love...

DIE!

2009-04-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

Its the latest thing!

I came up with it off the top of my head!

Its a play you DON'T wanna miss!

Its "DIE!"

Its a story about this young man named Chess, boring old Chess who works for his mean and cold boss,Chess, does it with this chick named Jess. Jess, has HIV! So Chess got AIDS! He feels blue for awhile... But realizes that god has given him the opportunity to live for 2 weeks! Doing whatever he wants!

After all! When you find out you're dying in two weeks! Theres nothing anyone can do to you anymore... Even if you...

BURN your bosses house!

DO it with all the girls you ever hated!

SAY whatever you want to ANYONE!

BUT! unfortunately....

...

With one day left to live...

Chess finds out from his doctor, Phansinkburg...

That he doesn't really have AIDS...

SO hes not really going to die...

...

O_O"

Onwards to DIE 2!!

O_O"

2009-04-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

... You mean... she doesn't get it?

WHAT!?

Confused you say?

...

SO... that day when I...

She... actually...

But... I... The...

She...

...Awww man...

My plan didn't go the way as I planned it...

But at least the out come was close to what I wanted it to be...

...

I do hope a girl like that awaits me in the future...

Someday...

Hopefully she'll speak English!

Hahaha!...

Kai Mushito, shall not be STAINED by HEART BREAK!

Well okay not for long anyway...

None shall steal MY spotlight!

Not while I'm still alive...

For being a histrionic boy means exactly that...

Its my life, MY show, I do whatever the hell I want with it.

I sound really cocky and coy right about now...

But its MY blog and and MY words, I say what I want!

Hahah!

Said the histrionic boy...

All the worlds a stage, and the people, merely actors...

...

Not everything goes the way you want it to,

Fortunately for you, what doesn't kill you

Makes you stronger than you were before...

...

heh, fortunately for me, I don't dream to be "The Best Spokes Person Ever"

I just wanna make a living and kick the bucket.

Whatever happens in-between is an experience to life.

Give everything you believe in,6 your best shot,

Perhaps things MIGHT go your way...

Nothing is for certain after all...

Tell next time...

...

2009-04-23T05:09:00.000-07:00

What did I?

Did I just... push her further away?

Why, would I do that?

...

Is this... rejection?

I mean...

I was feeling really down...

But, then...

I got really, really angry

Everything was pissing me off...

When Han told me I had to take that car...

I just, snapped...

I wanted to get as far away from her as possible...

Why?

From a person I used to cherish so much...

Why am I pushing her away?

I don't understand it myself...

I don't... understand at all...

...

But i can't apologize...

Not when I've gone so far...

Wow, I feel really bad right now...

Why did I have to fall for her?

Of all people?

...

A girl who...

Just doesn't like me...

...

Who didn't even give me a chance to apologize...

...

I blew it big time huh?

Heh, what a loser I am...

Just another episode of a boy named Kai...

... Woah...

...

I even ran out of things to type...

I suppose this is the end...

Someday perhaps, we may be friends again...

But never lovers...

No...

Never lovers...

Heh...

Perhaps it was fated...

The closer I try to get to her...

The further away I become...

...

When I came home today, I was practically searching for comfort...

I wanted to talk to someone...

Anyone...

...

But I wonder now...

If I had injured her feelings...

Perhaps I did a little...

...

All that anger, gone in an instant...

Then I found the world, coming back for me...

No one responded to my messages...

...

I was... practically alone...

...

Just the way I wanted it...

Heh, but it hurt...

Loneliness hurts...

Suddenly I found myself wanting to talk to someone...

But it was not meant to be...

...

Another day for me...

Digging my own grave in the end...

...

Till next time...

What was I thinking!?

2009-04-22T03:53:00.000-07:00

Me?!

Her?!

Sheesh...

Well ironically, attempting to get closer to her snapped me out of it...

...

Why?

Why was I born Chinese, but forced to watch English shows?

Why is my English good but my Chinese so bad?

Why?

...

I really don't belong anywhere...

Not English, not Chinese...

Not Funny or Decent...

...

Damn, she did it again...

Its all my fault though...

I really should have known...

From the very start that I was stupid to give it any thought at all...

...

Yes, its over, the feeling is gone...

In its wake, a black empty void is left...

I'm filling it out now...

The people outside the hole laugh at me...

Point and jump about at my failures...

...

I have to...

close this wound quick...

No point crying in milk that has already been spilled once...

...

I suppose I'll go apologize now...

...

Feelings ... Go away...

2009-04-20T12:39:00.001-07:00

Aughh...

*holds head*

No...

I KEEP THINKING ABOUT HER!

ITS F***ING TORTURE!

WHAT THE HELL!?

I can't believe this is how people feel when they really like someone suddenly...

They... get this feeling every time they see them...

Their hearts soar and they suddenly feel nervous...

Like their stomachs turn weak...

While all they can think about is her...

I see...

Hmmm...

But unrequited love is different...

Very much different...

Heh, when you know you haven't got a chance...

The odds are against you.

Its.... suffocating....

Its like trying to swallow your heart, when it wishes to soar...

Letting your stomach drop because you feel terrible...

Shunning thoughts of her, so you won't soil your friendship with her.

...

I see...

I even dream about the girl...

I see me and Han in some room...

Talking about who knows what like we always do...

Suddenly, he asks me something like "Why didn't you confess?"

And I go into this long winded speech about how I can't have her because shes everything i wanted in a girl... But i know I am not the one in her heart...

And MORE of TAHT kinda mushy stuff...

Suddenly, she walks in and hears the WHOLE thing.

And then I see her smile.

...

Heh, so this is unrequited love?

I see...

In that dream...

I was, really happy...

When I woke up, I made me sink...

Gez...

They say when you want to stop loving someone forcefully...

You have to hate that someone...

...

Truth be told, that would break my heart...

Also, It would cause a big scene...

Nah, not gonna drag it out...

Whats the point in that?

...

Anyway thank you.

You've shown me another side of love I have never seen before...

It really really hurts...

but I'm a guy, I gotta take hits...

I'm not going to shed tears...

Not because of this pain...

No, I refuse to.

I know, that sometimes you ignore me on purpose...

I know we're not the best of friends...

I hope you and whoever is close to your heart can accept you.

I bid thee, good luck...

Perhaps I should focus on other things...

Coincidentally I've been seeing her more often...

Damn its like a friggin curse!

Owh... My heart, thau art weak!

Even now, you act as if you've seen her!

Heh, in your dreams Kai, in your dreams...

...

Don't worry ladies,

I'm still on the market...

I just have to get rid of this feeling first...

Hehehe...

Just kidding...

Forget about it...

Till Next Time Everyone...

The Breath Of A Fox

2009-04-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

Days have gone by since she left me.

Everyday, I feel colder and colder...

Sometimes, I simply stare into space, not knowing whether to feel jealousy or sadness...

Yes, she was a pain in the neck...

Yes, she ruined my social life forever as I knew it...

YES, she TORE my heart apart and scattered it, before coming back with one piece and apologizing...

But I loved her.

I don't know why...

But I simply adored her...

Have you ever heard the tale of fox spirits? Its an old Japanese folklore, a fox spirit is not actually a ghostly fox, but rather a playful mischievous little shape shifter, who can take the form of any person.

Yes, I mean ANYONE.

Like I said, they love playing tricks and making you head spin, after all, being immortal gets boring you know? Usually its little pranks like imitating someone else and pulling a fast one on you.

And if you're a boy...

Just like any other girl, they adore leaving guys disoriented and confused...

In this case, its pretending the like you.

Usually, they take the form of a little girl and get guys to carry them piggy back, then, suddenly she puts on weight... and before you know it, you're hauling a boulder on your back. This trick usually works, and you'll probably hear giggling afterwords... after all, who could resist a cute , adorable little girl? Dressed up in a classic Japanese Kimono...

I sure couldn't...

It was a school camp out. Japanese camping grounds were a whole lot cleaner than other places. Its probably because they take their cleanliness to another level... I watched as the younger guys ran about, flirting viciously with girls... It brought me back to the days when I was the new kid in school... I was a huge flirt back then...

... But not as big as the one I am today...

Though you'd never have guessed, I wouldn't go out of my way to simply make friends, but didn't mean I wont wave when someone greeted me. I wore glasses, and my face was always a solemn stare, as if I read a lot.

...if only they knew...

First, one must make a good impression for girls to trust you...

Then, you have to make her feel special, and compliment her, respect her strengths...

Spend time with her and be romantic, make her think you're seriously in love with her...

With enough time, she will succumb to you...

and after that....

...

Yes, Keisuke Mayamura , freshman of the school...

Was the biggest pervert/flirt/class clown in school

All to fuel his low-self esteem and histrionic issues...

... Oh GOD, If only they knew...

Joining his shenanigans was chick magnet Hannamura Rizumune So rightfully bestowed with with the "flower" kanji signifying his gift of the cherry blossom.

You see, a man with the gift of the cherry blossom, is a man who is very lucky...

So very lucky indeed...

For women would fall for him...

With the same grace a cherry blossom would...

Yes, i admit it absolutely annoyed me...

he drove all the game away, leaving me hungry and desperate...

But he was a brother among friends...

A better looking, shorter and sensitive brother...

We spent many times together...

But one day, it all changed...

But we wont go there...

Yet...

BORED OUT OF MY WITS! GOING TO BED

- Chapter 1 - End

The ringing in my head

2009-04-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I know why my head has been hurting for the past few days...
I've tested it and I've confirmed it...

Now, I know Han will say something like:"I told you so" or "you should have stuck to the ones I bought you" or something like that to make fun out of the results from my experiment. Please, do mock me, I still love these earphones, so say what you wish.

To make it even more interesting, I'll make it in dairy form. And type it as if I were a mad scientist. Okay, not so much...

Now, recently I've been buying earphones that block out external noises, you know, the kinds that you stick in your ears and a rubber ear bud completely closes off all sounds from the outside. Now I realize that this unawareness to my surroundings was dangerous, but I never knew I had to accept another flaw to these earphones...

10th April 2009

Today, I went to see a friend with Han. We were having fun just chatting when I came across some earphones... It took me a long time to decide whether I was to buy them, being the cheapskate that I was. In the end I did, but after awhile of testing them, my head began to spin...

...Again...

These days I've been having headaches that were sharp and obviously painful. Unlike the dull and dizzy, unlike the ones I usually get when I'm sick. A few days later, the pain becomes unbearable and I find myself stopping to wince at the pain, usually it hurts at school, but later, I had been getting it at home too.

It usually happens when I'm playing video games. At first I suspected the reason to be too much video games, but through my childhood days I've become immune to such dizziness and can usually play for longer hours. Yet the pain always became worse when I was playing games.

So I decided I'd stop playing games. Why not draw a little... So I plug in the head phones to my MP3 and I began top scribble. No surprise, a little while later I began to feel very uncomfortable. So perhaps it was the games, still having its painful effects on me. But a new thought crept up silently on me now...

11th Of April

"Could the cause of my pains be the earphones themselves?"

I stroked my chin constantly as my father mumbled on about the traffic. It seemed it was that time of the year again. So off I went to my grandfathers grave...

... Yipee

When we got there, my dad , being the technologically detached barbarian from last century. Once again banned me from using my electromechanical appliances. I grumbled at the thought of one absolutely boring day without my "family" but later I would thank him for his ignorance.

After the day had passed and I bid farewell to his barbaric family, I suddenly realized that the pain that had so tormented me for many days, had suddenly lifted off and disappeared! How curious!

I was overjoyed! For one night, I finally had a decent night of sleep!

Yet, it became clear to me now, what caused such torment.

And as a "scientist" I had to prove my hypothesis was correct.

12th April

The final day to the experiemnt

I decided there was only one way to prove it...

Play games for many hours.

Without the earphones...

Sure enough, I felt no pain what-so-ever from it.

Having proved my hypothesis, I would like to present it to the world...

"Hypothesis: Earphones that shut off external noises are not magical"

- END EXPERIMENT -

Till next time...

Sun Burn

2009-04-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

Everytime my hand brushes against something...

It hurts.

Everytime I frown...

It hurts.

Yes...

Sunburn...

Is not very fun...

Thank you Catherine...

For seducing me into doing this...

Aigh...

Now it looks like I've been cooked...

Sunny-side up...

The HAPPY way to cook eggs!

YAY!

-_-"

Damn you you happy ball of flames!

DAMN YOU!!

The shower...

It feels so good...

Feeling Proud

2009-03-30T01:20:00.001-07:00

You know how you can do something good that you know wont come back and bite you in the ass?

Like saving a puppy in a drain?

Hehehe...

Well... Its a good feeling...

Gives me a chance to fulfill my childish fantasies...

...

I feel like a kid again...

Thanks for granting me this opportunity...

To feel like this again...

Heh, thanks...

...

Till next time

Tagging

2009-03-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

I just dont get it...

SO MANY GRAMATICAL ERRORS! Sheesh...

1) Do you believe in god?
Probably. Perhaps so, but I'll never know until I find out.

2) What is your favorite thing to do?
PSP, televison, sleep.

3) If you are given a chance to reverse your life, will you go back to the past?
Probably. Its unfair that I was given such a chance. Though i would probably take it anyway.

4) What would you do if you were to die tomorrow?
Sleep. Whatever i do next makes no difference.

5) Is there someone in your heart now?
No. Not really.

6) Do you feel loved in this world.
No.

7) What are you afraid to lose the most?
Things that bring me joy.

8) What are you feel like doing right now?
I are feeling to go to bed.

9) If there is someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
No. Not unless I really can't hold me feelings back. Otherwise I'll just make sure she never knows about them. After all, I wouldn't want to create any uncomfortable situations.

10)List 5 Things that you like in a guy/girl
1. Cute ( Leave me alone okay?! So what if I like that kind of girl!? )
2. Understanding
3. Has a sense of humor ( To laugh at my jokes )
4. Cheerful ( Not the psychotic sort )
5. Affectionate

11)what are the requirements that you not wish from your other half? <?! Okay, I don't get the question. Does this mean what I DON'T want from my other half? As in what I don't expect her to be? ... Nevermind.

12)What do you think purpose in life?
I have none. Perhaps I never will.

13)Do you feel like killing someone at the moment?
Of course.

14)If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I don't think I can do that. At one point I'll really start to hate eating the same thing and I'll probably go insane.

15)If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
Sorry, but through my lifestyle, I'd rather be rich.

16)If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to chanGe?
Pathetic self confidence and my attitude towards life.

17)What is the most prized possession that you wish you can bring to heaven?
PSP.

18)Am i a romantic person?
No. Not really.

19)What is the one thing you love about yourself?
Nothing. Everything I have is either not good enough or just plain bad.

20)Do you ever regret BEING together with your ex before?
Good question. I don't have an ex. I probably never will.

A woman and her ego.

2009-03-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

Is like a man and his pride...

You cant let it go, its like...
Like ones facade...
A theater that one must perform on for other people...
If they DON'T show their ego...
The audience wont be entertained by such exasperating behavior!
Hence, no one will be entertained...

SO I guess girls have their ego...
Because its fun to watch a man struggle for their love...
Its a test to see if a man can STAND such ANNOYING taunting...
If a man can make the right choices, say the right things...

But for a man, its the most obnoxiously aggravating thing on earth.
Its like trying to program your VCR!
Girls never make it easy for you.
Its the truth.
When they DO...
Its TOO easy...
then the girl is just cheap.
So annoying...
TOO easy not good, TOO hard, not good...

"For every action, there is an equally opposite reaction"

"Every girl is like a plant, if you don't talk to it, it will not like you, and might wilt"

Either way, men are screwed.

So why not come to the same conclusion as me...
Don't get married, just forget about it...
One would be much more financially stable anyway!

Well I'm satisfied, just some fast food today...

Till next time.

A River of Sorrow.

2009-03-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

I find myself here again.

The water is flowing and I can see the silhouette of fishes...
Going against the ever persistent current...

...

"Being a man is tough" It is as true as it is set in stone...

"You gotta be tough for others, as well as yourself"

...

I threw a pebble in as I collected my thoughts once more...

...

Be happy...

FOR WHO?!

FOR MYSELF!?

WHO AM I BEING HAPPY FOR?!

WHY SHOULD I BE!?

...

I screamed at the river...

The fish, quite frightened at my yells and screams, darted off away from me...

Leaving me at the bank...

...

Its true what they say about people leaving you when you dont smile.

It would be awkward...

...

I thought about how people around me seem to have life so easy...

How it didn't seem so hard to smile...

...

"Life is tough"

What?

How the hell would you know?!

HUH!?

HOW?!

...

After my sister maxed out my dads credit card...

I became the victim to her little shopping spree it seems...

...

Now he wont say a word to her so she can "focus" on her studies...

While I'm stuck here, getting lectured on who I should love and why.

...

Once again.

I find myself at the bank alone...

Why are you sad?

I see the fish gesture towards me...

Its not their fault.

Yet, I envy them...

They, like me...

Are living lives as well...

Yet they seem so happy...

It...

It ticks me off....

...

Just to see someone else so...

So happy...

Yet complain about such stupid things...

... It pisses me off ...

"AAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO BE GIVEN BIRTH TO SUCH A FAMILY?!

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE, THEN FUCK IT, LET ME DIE!

I screamed again...

...

It seems as if my throat was never going to be sore...

I could scream all I wanted at that river...

The sky was not too dark...

The lanterns that were placed kept me company as I watched the fish dart back and forth...

Whats the point of this anyway?

I cant even ask him to pay my tuition fees...

Just because someone else spent so much on her own leisure...

...

The fish looked at me, with their beady eyes...

Dont you have someone to love?

...

I dont. Does that make me week?

The fish, once again, darted away...

Why was I even born...

What is all this?

The only way to forget about all this was to laugh...

Most of the time I do but...

When I come home...

...

I've been crying a lot lately...

Tears of anguish and sadness...

It really hurts..

I'm just too weak...

DONT FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!

...

It feels good...

To shed tears...

I can feel better after that...

All I want to do now is cry...

Like a pathetic baby...

But never in front of the fish...

Never... In front of anyone...

A man can't cry...

If he chooses to do so, he must weep in silence...

So others may see him as someone strong and tough...

...

perhaps I was just born that way...

Weak and useless...

Why cant I be like her?

Spend all the money I want and laugh...

Why?

They say the people that hurt you most is the people you love...

Its true...

How hollow ad empty I feel...

Yet, I dont wish to beg for an ear to listen...

No.

Read on your own will...

I'm just talking to the fish after all..

No one should care...

...

I just go on and on dont I?

I can really complain huh!?

YEA?! WELL YOU CAN FUCKING TALK!!

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!

...

I do what I want.

Its not like I asked you to listen

Just shut up.

...

I don't want to hear it.

Not now.

No.

...

No one should come here...

No one...

You all want to read about something fascinating right!?

You all want something to laugh at dont you!?

Go somewhere else...

...

Jokes over...

Go home...

...

The river was still now...

...

No fish in the water...

The lanterns burned out...

The sky as dark as the water's surface...

...

The stars came out to play now...

The moon lit the sky...

My patch of grass was not far from there...

...

As I shed the last of my pathetic tears.

I retreated to the green...

As I lay still to lick my wounds...

I looked up, upon the sky...

...

A solemn and lonely look on my face...

Is this what I am when I am alone?

...

My eyelids closed slowly...

They were becoming heavy...

No more tears rolled down my cheeks...

They were as pale as the moon...

As I slept away who I am today...

And suffer who I am tomorrow.

...

...

...

...

Feeling of Dread

2009-03-01T08:03:00.000-08:00

Its like everyday I wake up just to get shit planted in my face.

Whatever.

Nobody cares if you're going through tough times.

They need you to smile so they can smile.

Thats why people cheer you up.

But if they dont do it.

Wouldnt it be awkward?

Wouldnt it suck?

Exactly.

How can I NOT cheer up?

How can I stay down so I don't have to get pushed down anymore?

No one knows.

Haha...

No one really cares...

Get cancer and die, Kai.

Do me a favor and die earlier.

You're going insane day by day.

Who knows when you'll snap?

I'll have no regrets.

I'm sure nobody will mind...

Just close your eyes...

sleep...

No one cares...

...

Again I find myself laying in this field of grass...

To escape from my life...

"YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT LIFE! BE GRATEFUL"

Heh...

Its like being a wilting flower in a bed of roses.

There isn't any point to living, is there?

Just for other people to take pleasure in making faces at me...

Laughing at me and poking fun at my ugliness...

...

Like a dying flower in a field of roses...

Like a beggar in a mansion full of millionaires...

Like a maggot surrounded by butterflies...

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I HAD IT WORSE!"

...

I cant really run away from these words...

It might have been true your life may have been worse...

But its not my problem.

I don't really care.

Why should I?

I'm in a field of grass...

The winds blowing...

The clouds moving ever slowly...

Its like I'm the only one there.

...

No main characters or side characters...

No better lives or those worse off...

Just me, the grass and the wind...

...

No snake in the grass...

No caterpillars to creep up on me...

...

Just me...

...

Closing my eyes.

Ignoring everything else...

But me.

...

"Happiness..."

I whispered...

As I held my hand into the sky...

Still laying upon the green grass...

No sun in the sky to put a glare in my eyes...

No dark clouds to rain upon my time alone...

...

I smiled...

If that was all to being human...

I'd be happy...

...

Again a voice echoes deep within me...

"DONT WASTE YOUR TIME! YOU SHOULD BE WORKING HARD!"

"DONT DREAM! BE A HUMAN BEING AND WORK!"

...

Then I open my eyes...

I see...

Reality...

...

I see...

All of you...

...

The grass is no more...

The sun has returned....

The wind blows hard...

The voices boom...

...

What is life?

Why am I alive?

What is purpose?

What am I doing?

Why do I die?

The voices...

All coming back...

...

But I smile...

I laugh...

For I simply need to close my eyes...

...

Hello blue sky...

Hello clouds...

I'm running away again...

...

:)

Megaman Legands 2 Nightmare/Glitch/PSP

2009-02-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

This post is really dedicated to a certain gamer friend of mine who shares many of the same interests as me.

But anyway, for the rest of you NON-gamers, probably don't want to read this so whatever.

When CAPCOM released Megaman Legands 2 for the Sonty PSX, I was thrilled! Man I was so excited to play the squeal... I mean c'mon call me a hardcore fan, but the game caught my attention and injected me with its venom, just like most Megaman games.

EXECPT the X series.

I've only finished one or two of those before moving on...

Anyways, Megaman Legands was a great RGP shooting kinda game, the story was a little jumpy and I didn't understand it when I was young, but after I got the PSP port, I was able to understand what the characters were saying.

Yet, as happy as I was to get the game...

My sorrow began to unfold...

At almost the beginning of the game...

After Blue boy agrees to help the two old dudes get the 4 keys to the motherlode ( Game talk ). You get Roll to set sail for Pokke island.

Little did you know, that almost every gamer who got the PSP port, had awakened a great and ominous beat, unforgiving, and relentless.

Blue boy: Hey! okay! I just beat Miss Tron and her giant crab robot thing! SO now I gotta go insid ethe ruins and find the FIRST goddam key.

Data ( Little helper monkey droid or something / Your best friend )

Data: Why don't you go back to the town back in the OTHER country to get ready?

Blue boy: Yea! that's a great I idea Data! I'll just climb back into the flutter and...

...

*Megaman climbs into flutter*

...

...

...

The screen fades to black.

...

...

...

...

What happens next?

Nobody knows...

Yes, the notorious, "Flutter Ladder Glitch" Apparently I'm not the only one who had this problem...

As I said before, It goes like this:

Blue boy wants to go elsewhere so he climbs his way up the stupid ladder. After that the screen fades to black, and never comes back.

NEVER.

Only happens in PSP ports, but all hope was not lost...

You could fix it but using the POPloader or something

Pop 3.xx - 5.xx

Apparently this fixes the glitch and you can play the game smoothly after that...

BUT!

You need a certain version to use this "POPloader" device.

Now I'm not sure whether I want to continue playing or not, since after upgrading to version 5.00, I might mess up my other games.

What did I do?

I decided to pull out my PSX.

Yeala, SIMPLE as that right?

Aigh, but playing on the PSP felt so much different, I dunno... its like...

Playing Devil May Cry on your Game Boy.

Full graphics and all that jazz...

It felt good, its a gamer thing I guess...

*sigh*

...

Yea well I'm done complaining about this...

I feel satisfied now!

A gamers work, is always done!

that makes no sense!

SHADDAP!

Till next time!

Sell-fish people

2009-02-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

Yu know wen yu wak to da Pa-Sa-Ma-Lam' an da As-am tok tu yu lik dis?!

Yea, I know, its normal right? Otherwise they wouldnt be there, screaming their lungs out trying to sell you fish...

But I'm not saying i dont like it...

When you really think about it, its anothr language of a whole new culture, or a slang that is spread by word of mouth.

Take for instance a friend of mine...

Ever heard the sounds of "linkon pak"? or "Arvil Larvine"?

"Cina pet" eh?

I guess an all American banana such as I, was struck with a slight hint of disgust when I heard other people talking like that...

Yet at one point, It started to sound rather humorous...

So, yu noe la! I will pull out da SU-PA-CI-NA slang an it is U-SU-ALI veli farnie.

I have been criticized many times by people who speak better cantonese than me...
hahaaha most of the time, its a close friend of mine... I suppose its good to be reprimanded about this sort of thing from time to time, afer all, they feel the same sort of disgust I felt back then when they used to talk like that.

Language is an important social skill, my English teacher tells us to focus more on our English because it matters, but when you think about it... I'd bet more people know Chinese, Cantonese and Hokkien than English... Except maybe in those office desk jobs where your boss is an asshole.

Heck, I've even heard the most learned language on earth is Chinese! ( Probably because of the population? ) So when you really think about it, language isn't worth crap when you're not even speaking the same one to others.

I'm not saying you should stick with your mother tongue and screw the rest, but instead, just keep in mind, just because you cant speak the same language, doesnt mean there is no other way to communicate with others. God gave us brains for a reason other than studying, communicating isn't rocket science. Language just makes it a hell lot easier...

Well, I'm satisfied...

Til da Nex tim wie met!

2 Days of hell.

2009-02-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

I feel... weak... physically...

Yesterday, my mom forced me to wake up at 7 am to go to Bentong.

She wanted to take me to go reminisce about the old days, so after she took me to pray, she brought me around town.

That sounded simple right?

I'll go in a little deeper, give you more detail, to explain why I vomited straight for about an hour, suffered cold shivers and sweats and had a headache of almighty proportions.

My ugly maid woke me up at 7, but I was up at 4am.

Mosquitoes the size of rats came in and danced about as they had a fiesta on my skin, serving free drinks to their children, buzzing about merrily in their annoying dances of irritation.

Soon, when they made me itchy enough to regain consciousness, I closed the door and turned the AC up to full blast.

...

Not even one came my way...

AFTER that.

I tried to go back to sleep.

The birds sure LOVED to hang out side my window and sing songs...

really annoying high pitched songs...

it was about an hour before I chased them off in my rage.

THEN, they came back and I covered my head with my pillow.

THEN, the maid came in and scared the shit out of me.

THEN, I couldn't sleep in the car, my body had locked my metabolism to a consciousness state of awareness.

THEN, I was stupid enough to play games in the car.

THEN, I vomited like crazy after the ride, stopping at various (uncalled for) pit stops as my family made jokes about my sickness.

THEN, I felt weak as I went around Bentong. The drains were dirty and the place smelled of chicken shit. The girls looked like guys and yet the food would always be good, why!? I don't know.

THEN, We went to pray to the gods, where the inscence made my eyes water, the ash from the joss sticks burned my hands and the smoke made me choke. JUST as if I was really smoking.

THEN, We went off and I bought some snacks, which seemed to expired. As I found out later...

THEN mom wanted to to stop by at grandma's apartment, which you can expect is really dirty.

THEN, I came home and went to bed.

You may think this is over, but my story goes on until today.

THEN!

I woke up.

THEN, I felt as if I was going to die as I staggered down the stairs.

THEN, I was hungry and my sister had some fries leftover, so as stupid as I was I ate them.

THEN, I suffered from cold attacks and my head felt like a truck was backing in to it.

THEN, I vomited out the fries.

several times.

THEN, I slept downstairs.

AND THEN!

FINALLY!!

I feel asleep.

Thank the gods, my nightmare was over...

Yet...

Now every time I take a step, I feel my brain moving.

I feel weak and tired.

and worst of all I am reminded that I will have to repeat everything next year.

"GONG XI FA CHAI!"

MY ASS!!

Happy Chiese New Year.

2009-01-23T04:22:00.000-08:00

Suddenly, as I lay on the grass, facing the sky...

I see someone else, who is suddenly searching for meaning...

I see her being questioned about life...

Why?

I feel as though she will go through an emotional mental journey...

To understand life so much better...

Yet, I have a deep hidden fear...

A fear as though she will arrive at the same conclusions as I will...

That it is simply better to be ignorant...

Truth can be made...

You simply have to believe...

Proof is only a tool so others may share your belief...

Though in the end, they believe in what you believe in...

Which was something you made up...

Which was something you had tried so desperately to prove...

So others will believe in what you believe, even after death...

so, isn't that lying?

But if everyone believes it, it isn't lying isn't it?

Hmmm...

I'm so stupid, why think so much?

Well, its because I'm stupid...

Thats why I think so much...

But if stupid people think so much,

Why are they so stupid?

Hmmm...

Form 5 Science 2

Many people from my class have gone up to science 1 and some people from science 1, dropped to science 2...

I suppose the month has been kind to me...

Or rather, I have been kind to myself...

Sleeping on time, drinking more water...

Its amazing what one can accomplish from sleeping earlier...

Yet isn't it lazy to sleep?

Isn't it lazy to rest?

Yes, it is a sin to sleep.

But I want to do it anyway.

So fuck you.

I joined badminton,squash and rugby this year...

Lets just see what happens...

I decided to flirt more too...

Hell, its a whole lot of fun.

For such a fool ardent for some desperate glory...

Tis no shame for me to laugh and make merry...

Though, I want to be accepted in the end as well...

I accept my flaws...

Hopefully triumph will make me a stronger person.

Perhaps it will not.

Either way, there is uncertainty.

Hmmm...

Well, see you around...

Till next time...

Pale Death II

2009-01-13T06:01:00.000-08:00

All things in consideration, I think it was safe to say, that death had a peaceful passing.

Those who gathered at his grave, the girl in red, the howling rain.

Both mourned his passing with great enthusiasm.

Yet, one day, time will mend that deep crimson scar.

Soon you will have to unmask that veil that you have donned so dearly, and put away those black clothes, and begin to walk upright once more, banishing old nightmares and brandishing new possibilities for the next summer.

The wight that has plague you so dearly has finally passed and has become forgotten.

Yet...

...

With the passing of death, the gale and thunder found no joy in their endless persistence, it seems their ardent longing for some desperate attention, had died along with death.

Henceforth, they no longer howled with such tenacity, instead, they lingered on for a moment as if to pay their respects, which after they had done so, simply dispersed into the horizon, never meeting each other again.

So who are he ones you leave when you die?

Who are those you did not say goodbye to before you parted from them?

Were you perhaps unprepared?

Or did you never intend to say good bye at all?

Crimson, Scarlet crimson. IF the pale boy was the personification of death, then Emily would be the personification of endless bloodshed, forged from meaningless quarrels and frays that are fought by fool, desperate for some insignificant glory.

Yet, weep she did when the children below would take up arms against each other.

Weep that deep crimson.

But she was always comforted by the presence of death.

Emily adored the ambiance, the silent song that he hummed while he would bring the children home safely.

Some would cheat him, and escape, yet, no one could break free from the chains of life.

No matter how hard the children struggled.

No matter how firm was their resolve.

Their struggling would all end in futility.

He would come for you, mercilessly, with extraordinary discipline.

He would do his very best your passing is for certain.

It was also of the utmost importance that the children would feel no pain after going home.

Perhaps that was why she feel in love with pale, merciless death.

He was reliable, dependable, deeply motivated, caring, strong, honest, almost always certain and on top of all that, death was a god kisser, one of the best if anyone was to mention.

But the girl in red, had one fetish that shackled her fate to that of death.

He was always there for her.

No mater if there were children who required escorting.

Her lover would not leave her side.

Yet, he never allowed the lost lambs to bleat about willy-nilly on their own.

But he would always be with her.

Never leaving her side.

Tasting the addicting poison of he lips.

Alas.

His fate has been decided now. One would gain naught from mourning the dead.

So crimson Emily, would watch over the children.

that was what she thought.

Having her insides torn apart from the inside, she agonized over the pain of her loss.

Like many others.

It was difficult of her to let go.

She would never leave the oak tree.

She couldn't.

She longed for him, longed for his hollow meaningless smile, for the taste of his breath, she wanted it all back. She had so much left to say, so much left to laugh off, to cry, to feel. Yet, to a limited extent it was lust. Lust that had filled her the day she embraced death, she knew it was wrong, but at the same time, it felt right.

Now she sat there.

With that same hollow, unfeeling look in her eyes.

She looked at the oak tree she once knew of...

She looked at the sky, which was once darkened by his presence.

She looked at the innocent children, running about like mice.

She looked at death, who glowed like-

Yes.

She looked at death.

Except when things die they don't come back.

No.

When one dies one does not posses life.

Yet, he stood there, with much clarity in his eyes.

The same clarity that cause murder.

Yet something was different about the boy.

His presence, brought peace among the clouds.

The wind bowed to his existence, forming a breeze to caress his body.

Dumbfounded.

Dumbfounded was our little Emily.

She couldn't find any words at all.

She wanted to say something, because deep down inside, she desired to hear him speak once more.

Yet he did not speak.

No words could describe his emotions.

He walked slowly towards her, stroking the winds in his hands as he smiled.

As he got closer.

Emily could feel his hand brushing gracefully against the back of her long black hair, cushioning it with his palm. His other hand fit into hers, they felt warm now, pulsing with precious life. His face was right in front of hers now. She could feel his warmth, subtle, yet it was enveloping her body completely. As he slowly lowered his eyelids, he inched his head forward, slowly.

It was death alright.

He told her something in the future.

Something that we all are well aware.

"The death of ones story, is the life of another tale."

Hence death was reborn as life.

Nevermore to be disturbed by the gale or thunder.

Nevermore...

to leave his lovers side...

The end.

FIngers Itchy

2009-01-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

It always starts with a boy.
A normal boy, if not any other.
A simple boy will do.

Though he was no ordinary boy.

Without the slightest glimmer of hope in his eyes.

He had no friends,
No relatives,
No family.

He had no faith,
No hope,
No happiness.

He had no fear,
He had no doubt,
He had no regrets.

The winds were cold and cruel to him, almost unforgiving. That gale, chilling and cold as death, cuts to the bone. Howling at him, threatening him with its calls of anguish, its mighty roar of thunder and rain.

Yet he looked on, upon that hilltop with the overgrown oak tree. He looked on to eternal gloom. His only friend was the ever relentless rain, his stare, blank and unfeeling, almost bitter if not sorrowful. They say if you looked into the boy's eyes, you would see truth, clarity so real, that it would kill you. Literally.

So was his fate, to sit by the overgrown oak tree, to overlook the children. To see them all play and cuss. To watch over them and make sure they go home. While the wind howled at him with great anger and malice. Screaming and sputtering threats of flashes and never ending blackness.

The boy simply watched. With hollow eyes of nothingness. The children mocked him, the children feared him, the children cheated him, the children used him. Yes, ugly wasn't it? Yet the boy in grey only smiled. He smiled the most meaningless and hollow smile as if he wasn't really smiling at all. Yet you could see it.

Of course if that were all, there would be no story...

Just a grey little boy and an oak tree.

One day, someone asks for his name.
The boy, slowly tilting his pale face upwards, did not see an angel or a demon.It was a small girl, with a red parasol. His eyes set upon her crimson eyes, her fair skin almost radiating a glow of warmth he never felt before. He already heard her, but she asked again "Whats your name?". The boy looked away from her eyes, his cheeks were colored crimson as he turned away to hide them.

"I have many names, but I have none" He said, with much clarity in his voice.

"Thats funny" the girl chuckled.

"I guess it might be" the boy smiled in response.

"My name is Emily!" She said with much delight on her cheery face.

"Hello Emily, why are you here? I wasn't expecting to see you"

"I came here to play with you, silly!" She giggled, looking straight into the boy's eyes

And from that day onwards, the boy and the girl would take delight in seeing each other. Chasing each other up and about, taking under the shelter of the tree. No matter ht, she would always have a smile on her face. Cold as the wind was, her warm smile would not waver. The winds had no effect on her.

They were truly happy with each other, in their bliss, they had almost forgotten about the selfish wind.

On another day The girl asked him once again.

"Whats your name?"

The boy, with that same look in his eyes.With that same look of emptiness and void. Stared at the girl with those eyes. Yet this time, there was something in his eyes. There was fear. Fear that the girl would leave.

The boy in grey, mustered up all his courage.

And spoke with a voice so soft and warm, it was as if it wasn't his.

...

...

"I am death"

The girl in red, widened her eyes in shock. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. As she lowered her head, tears began to flow from her dark eyes. Though it would make no difference, to the boy for,the rain would simply drowned her sobs.

The boy in grey, cold as he was, did nothing. He had known all along the fate that would befall young Emily. he knew of it all along.

As she continued to cry, the boy began to notice something.

The tears that rolled from her rosy cheeks, were dyed crimson red.

The boy, was dumbfounded. He was marveled at such an awe.

Then as she slowly lifted her head to him, she whispered...

"I know"

She moved closer to the boy, almost allowing him to feel her breath.

She looked with him with eyes full of red crimson flowing down to her cheeks.

He embraced her, felt the warmth of her body.

She then whispered in his ear.

"Please, don't die"

The boy, silent now, whispered back to her...

"Till death do us part"

In that moment, nothing existed.

No winds.

No rain

No thunder

No children.

No oak tree.

Just themselves.

The blood continued to flow from her eyes.

Like an endless river of garnet tinted crimson.

Her lips, a deep dark red, almost that of a wilting rose, were tained with poison.

"Dont go" She whispered again.

"All things must end" He smiled that hollow smile once more.

He slowly inched his head towards hers, closing his eyes slowly. As he did, so did she.He was a good kisser, one of fine caliber indeed. As their lips met, she could feel how cold he was. How he was always shivering. Not from the cold, but from the rain.

It was simply a moment though it was forever to to them...

As consciousness slowly faded away from death.

She could only allow his limp and cold body to slip from her.

Into the cold, murky darkness.

Her eyes had stopped flowing the red crimson.

She gently sat down, leaning against the oak tree.

Her eyes were hollow now.

Hollow and cold as the winds howled in despair and anguish.

They too, continued to mourn the boy.

They too, rained crimson.

They too cried because of death.

Just Get Up Again

2008-11-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

Brush of the dust off your knees and keep walking.

As I lie in my sorrows I hear the travelers, their whispers, not directly at me, but still, I can see at the edge of my eyes, they are cupping their hands together and shouting at my direction.

I know they're right...

They words ringing in my ears, like a mosquito, buzzing about...

But gosh darn it!

I don't feel like getting shot down again!

Ugh... but what else am i supposed to do?

Lie here forever on a road for weary travelers to step on me?

...

I've been thinking lately...

...

again...

...

Is being liked really honestly important to me?

yea. It is.

I could lie to myself and say:"Hey! I don't care what others think!"

...

I've never gotten any form of gifts from a girl before.

...

Yet, one can get a teddy bear with ease.

...

The green eyed monster of jealousy

How do I smite thee?

How must I rid of you?!

WHY DO I CARE?!

ARGH BECAUSE I'M MATERIALISTIC!!

SUPERFICIAL WHATEVER!!!

Wow

Now I feel like smashing something.

Into little tiny bits.

I'm so sick of being jealous of other people.

Sick of never being good enough for shit.

What am I supposed to do now?!

Say: "fuck everything!?"

I DONT KNOW ANYMORE!!!

Be yourself, what bullshit.

I might as well be someone else my entire life.

Yeap

I feel better now!

Sorta

Till next time.

Accepting Failure

2008-11-27T08:00:00.001-08:00

Now that I'm down and out of the ring.

I can look at the skies and see an endless barrage of clouds...

each one of them minding their own little petty business...

existing only as clouds...

How do they continue?

Well, obviously its because they have no mind.

Ignorance is bliss after all...

Soon the sun begins to set.

Noon becomes Night.

The stars all come out and joyously prance about.

I see them, merely distant planets, some of unknown origins.

The moon, their playmate, watches over them with its grace...

Being an empty rock who is not even named a planet.

Tell me, all of you.

How can you continue to smile and dazzle, even with such a meaningless and pathetic existence?

Why?

The yelled back from the heavens...

"Duh! Cause we've got no choice!"

As stunned as I was to hear a reaction, I was vaguely struck with the same bland numbness I had stumbled upon years ago...

"Why continue living?"

"No choice la"

That same feeling of... cold... endless... dullness...

wrapped around me like a blanket of fact and reality...

I once again look to the skies as a fool...

A fool that may perhaps, have simply stopped moving, but still choosing to live.

I will spare Kai.

Spare his pathetic yet, meaningless and catastrophic failure of an existence.

For the allies I have made.

I am not ready to abandon them yet.

Unless of course they abandon me. Which I do not blame them for.

A failure, can only lead so much of a life of luxury.

A failure can only hold on, simply because he has to.

A failure, will not hold hatred and scorn for abandoning him.

He will instead accept it.

He will not fight back, he will not raise his fist nor his voice.

A failure will lie there.

Perhaps living if he must.

In short, I'm still feeling a little low, but I'm better.

My prom date went to prom after all, just not with me.

Apparently, she hoped I didn't go anyway.

...

Whatever.

Till next time.

To whomever out there who might be listening.

I'm down and not getting up again anytime soon.

2008-11-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm a loser

The word simply flashed across my mind ominously as I waved god bye to Han. I walked off, with a dazed look, not that I remember, how could I after all?

Everything I do, everything I say or even think...

It all ends up as worthless shit... a horrible blunder...

What the hell was I thinking?

Even the whole purpose of being positive was because I got shot down...

I should have just left it all and wallowed in my failure...

I've lost all my fight...

I'm giving up, throwing in the towel, maybe for now, maybe forever, I dunno...

Ugh...

I look at everyone around me...

I see success in their own little way, happiness...

Sure it only depends on perspective, sure it doesn't matter what other people think...

But...

What happens if I think I'm a loser?

A worthless incompetent loser, a loser who is just gonna stand in the background and die off slowly into the stage aimlessly lingering in vain...

Just as everyone laughed...

Just as they all ignored me...

No one cares about a loser, and hey, I don't blame em...

I'd just ruin the mood...

I'd ruin anyones mood with my aimless ranting and complaining...

No one wants to listen to any of that...

NO one wants to listen to a stupid idiot whine...

Only person stupid enough is another stupid idiot...

No one really cares, they only want things from me...

No one believes in me...

But what was I expecting? I was just being stupid...

Thats just me being a loser.

I know that is for sure.

Its never enough, what I do, it will never amount to anything

What was I expecting after all?

A loser can only do so much, try so hard...

A loser can only gain so much, can only take so much...

Why was I born?

To be a loser

A meaningless hopeless failure, who will never amount to anything

Who talks big, who wants to believe in himself...

Who is just kidding himself...

Who was I kidding?

Who needs anyone like me around?

I'll be so quickly forgotten, it'll be like dust in the wind...

A passing trend, just another reason to allow people to feel better...

A loser they can look down upon.

A loser they know they can laugh at.

A loser they all know they can take from until he is no more.

A loser who is nothing.

I used to think I was at least close to being a good person.

I used to think, hey, maybe I'm not garbage!

Now I realize how pathetic I am...

Why people loved to step all over me and call me names.

Its because I act so stupid, I let them do it.

Who needs me?

Who really needs me to live?

Who needs anyone to live?

Who cares?

I sure don't.

Not anymore.

Call me shallow, call me a useless coward, call me what you want.

I've lost all my fight.

Lost my nerve to go on.

I'll just live my life a loser and die.

Insignificance. All so insignificant.

I suppose I should apologize.

For lying, lying to everyone.

Lying at those who doubt me and laugh at me.

I should apologize to myself, believing that I was worth anything at all.

I really am good for nothing.

I think about my life and I laugh.

I can only remember, when I was happy for awhile...

happy that I thought people believed in me.

What folly.

Folly that can only speck for itself.

Soon after sadness, anger will come.

Anger that forms because I myself do not believe in this boy.

This boy who is supposed to be me.

Who is unwanted and redundant.

Yet life goes on.

I wish I had someone who would listen to me cry and scream.

Who would comfort me.

Yet, I know that is not something I can bring myself to do.

Even as a loser.

What gives other people the right to hear me complain?

What?

Loneliness...

A feeling of having no one.

Perhaps that was what i truly wanted.

I think I've beaten myself enough for now.

I'll destroy myself some other time.

I know what I doing.

I never want to see Kai Mushito, not anytime soon...

I'm locking him out.

Perhaps this time he shall suffocate under my failure.

Perhaps even Kai, would stop believing in a lost cause.

I don't care.

I don't care anymore.

Not now and hopefully not ever.

Being happy and optimistic is only going to bring me down.

I've succumbed to my failures.

I'm done dealing with it.

I'm just going to lie here.

Hopefully I'll suffocate and die.

Just pray for it to happen okay?

Trust me, I'll be much happier.

Don't try to pick me up.

Don't try to give me your hand.

Don't try and save me.

I know you just want to take advantage of me anyway.

Well I'll tell you how you can do it now.

My spirit has been broken.

You can feel better that you're not such a loser.

Its called Schadenfraude.

Happiness at the misfortune of others.

I'm going to curl up and close my eyes.

Hopefully something will kill me.

Remember the faces of the people, who I've helped, who I've consoled.

Tell them all I'm sorry.

Tell them all they were right.

Tell them it really was a lie.

Who are you going to believe, everyone else, or a loser?

I understand now.

All too clear...

Success was never meant for me.

Something god created so he could dangle it in front of me, and have other people snatch it away from me.

Yet, god allows them safe passage.

God allows them to just.

Take it all away.

While I linger. While I fade away.

...

Okay thats enough.

I'll be back some other day.

So sit tight Kai,

I'm not done yet.

I'll see just how long you can last.

Before I break you.

Good bye.

Maybe forever.

Itchy Fingers > I was bored this is a meaningless rant

2008-11-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

The morbid insecure look on young Johnny's pale and bleeding face, clearly reflected by the moonlight, gave the situation a sudden epilepsy of brutal images, coated in bloody red and Johnny's smooth uncut skin. Yet there was blood, crimson red that trickled down from his face, yet his eyes did not weep such scarlet vermilion, that simply put a vague indescribable look on his face. Those eyes that did not weep, were forced onto the moon, as it was etched in his eyes.

the skies were not clear on that night, as twilight began to take its lingering leave, its unwillingness was obvious, though not to itself, but the others that witnessed the cheerful sun who slowly drifted away into the deep horizon. Its lingering, always in vain, eager to return once more with the insignificance that it held. But that night, the people would not welcome the blunt and dull night sky, there were no stars to accompany the lonely moon on that unruly and unforgiving night. Such a sight was unbeknownst to the fools who slept under the stars that abandoned them, for every starry night star knew what was to rain down upon the lovers and fools, all wandering meaninglessly below. The crimson, the red. All raining down so marvelously from the night sky, as if the earth itself was bleeding internally, crying tears of its life giving red due to its unbearable sorrow and malice.

Crying because humans so callously live life with any regards or a thought of care.

Weeping because children must suffer, must be corrupted, must be abused.

Bleeding because the children themselves abuse others,

The Malice! The wondrous malice! The callously unchained malice!

Malice enough to bring the earth to its knees!

Hatred that forces the earth to cut thyself!

Drink! Drink merrily! Like lambs! Lambs to an endless meaningless slaughter!

Tear it all away! Have it all scratched and ragged before you breathe again!

For it is all meaningless!

Pity, I don't believe in that anymore.

Pity, such a pity...

One may choose his path freely,

For a fool such as I, who sleep under the cowardly stars!

I simply wish to live and die.

Nothing more...

Even if the earth were to bleed, were to die, were to exact its impending revenge upon its parasitic inhabitants. I wouldn't care! I couldn't care! Perhaps I will, but such malice is best left to those with the gall to deal with it. No no, a fool such as I, Will ignore it all...

A fool such as I will simply not care...

For a fool such as I does not wish to...

A fool such as I, may smile in the face of impending doom...

A fool such as I, has long left sorrow, though in vain...

A fool such as I, will live happily...

Or at least try to...

Well, my fingers are satisfied...

Till next time!

Ow.

2008-11-05T02:27:00.000-08:00

My prom date shot me down because none of her friends were going.

I suppose she never really wanted to go to prom with me anyway...

...

Well, oh well, no harm done i guess...

...

I heard one of the smarter kids talking today, he's in the first class and hes small and acts cute. Some fat girl asked him who he was going to take to prom...

...

It really put a dent in my self esteem...

But I'm cool...

Dreaming...

2008-10-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dreams are the work of an active mind, when you're asleep and your good old brain decides to party all night. I'd Imagine it would be really boring if you wouldn't have anything to do. so I guess its the same thing. Anyway, your brain will then play around with your senses and produce something unconsciously from your subconscious.

Your brain doesn't really know what its doing though...

Which is why, most dreams. dont make sense...

I had a dream just now: Waking up in a prison cell full of anime girls and some of them were horror themed ( you know, missing eyes and stuff like that) but it was normal for me, so go figure eh? There insects that looked like tempura. the girls, which, were not really scary at all were all afraid of.

In the background, I saw 2 shadows, duking it out. Not shadows of people, I mean shadows on the wall, fighting each other, anime style.

There were guys on the bench on my right, they were all pretty nice too. I spent my time flirting ( even in my dreams, EVEN in my dreams ) with the girls.

Then, I woke up.

hmmm...

On a side note, I spoke Cantonese all the way...

I had another dream about me and my friends dressing up as pirates in our school and just talking too, but hey, WE"RE not gonna go there.

Till next time...

"Tagging"

2008-10-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

What IS tagging!?

apparently its when a friend or someone who makes a sequences of question and you answer them.

Anyway, here you go Melodie.

Last place you hugged someone?
School. I figured it was impossible at first.

Do you know anyone named Matt?
Yes, once, we no longer speak. Me and him played Gunbound together and hes older than me.

What color is your hair?
Black.

Is your hair curly or straight?
Curly, or so I've been told.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Uhhh.. I don't remember

Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
Nope

Do you currently like anyone?
Yea, I like people. SO WHAT!?

Do you use smiley faces on the computer too much?
No.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes. As a child.

Who did you last go out to eat with? Where?
I forgot.

Do you wear glasses?
Yes. But they are chipped.

Are you happy with life right now?
Right now? Yes.

Are you currently jealous?
Yes. I'm always jealous.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
No.

Do you have any weird inside jokes?
Tons.

Do you find tattoos attractive in the opposite sex?
Perhaps. Depends.

Could you go the rest of your life with your current bf/gf?
What is this, a romance novel?

Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
Tuition.

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
Nope.

Do you know a member of the opposite sex with a lip ring?
Nope.

Reason for the last time you went to the doctors?
I forgot.

Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust?
Yes. My mom, for skipping school, tuition and breaking her promises.

Do you think your ex will eventually want to be with you again?
I wish. I don't even have one.

Name two facts about the last person who texted you?
She is very needy and apparently a sore loser.

Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings, who would it be?
Its some idiot drunk bastard. All my associates know I will fucking kill them. Unless its an emergency.

What is your favorite thing to drink?
Water.

Do you watch The Hills?
Everyday. When I can.

What do you currently hear right now?
A girl I met online. She lives in Ipoh.

What's the last thing you ate?
Fried Maggie Mee...

Can you sleep in jeans?
No.

What is something you just don’t understand?
Yes. Many things.

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Two friends, one girl. I'm taking her to prom.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
No.

Do you care what others think about you?
I don't give a shit... how does my hair look? Is there something on my face?

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
No.

Did you have a good day?
Yes.

What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
Perhaps. Depends.

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Melodie. (You must take care of an old man) and 3 other girls (I know this is stupid, so whatever man)

What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
That moment with Melodie and her friends. That was cool.

When was the last time you got a rose?
...

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Pasar Malam.

Do you regret anything?
Yes.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
No. Unless the person needs me.

Do you like to cuddle?
Girls, yes. Pretty young girls, without facial hair on any place its not supposed to be.

Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Sex. No wait... Nope, sex.

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
Yes. They're all out to get me.

How late did you stay up last nigh?
1 am. I had school.

Suppose you see your crush kissing another person?
Pretend I didn't see anything.

Are you going to grow apart from someone close?
Perhaps. I don't know.

What will you be doing at 8 AM tommorow?
Asleep. I'm skipping school.

Who knows the real you, honestly?
Some people, nothing much about me, really.

Who are your victims?
Just so you know, I'm not going to start raping girls yet.
But if you really wanna know, 5.

The last person to tag you is?
Melodie.

What relationship of you with him/her?
We are good friends, and she will take care of me when I'm old. YOU-WILL-DO-IT

Your 5 impression towards him/her?
Stays up late, Somewhat patient, filled with secrets, no one listens to her problems enough, doesn't mind my sickoness.

The most memorable thing that he/she has done to you?
She shared her problems with me.

If she becomes your lover, you will?
I don't have to answer that, you already know. But on a minor note, I will make sure she gets her old hairstyle back.

If she becomes your enemy, you will?
How come its a she? Why cant it be a he? I'd rape her.

If she becomes your lover, she has to improve on?
I will teach her special techniques she will require.

If she becomes your enemy, the reason is...
I raped her. Hah. Nah, I probably did something really bad and be unaware of it.

The most desirable thing to do for her is
I have no idea.

The overall impression of her is
Nice little girl. has many secrets. Who will take care of me.

How do you think the people around you would feel about you?
They think I should be happy more.

The character for you for yourself is
What is up with this question? It'd be some histrionic anime main character.

On Contary, the character you hate yourself is?
A smart, successful, powerful business tycoon.

The most ideal person you wanna be is
A zombie.

For person who cares and likes you, say something about them
I love you.

10 people to tag
1. Melodie
2. A bird
3. Myself (APPARENTLY)
4. My Mac Book
5. The Printer
6. The Sky
7. A pirate (Mr.Liew)
8. My watch
9. A rock
10. Another rock

Who is no. 2 having relationship with...
What? Another bird?

Is no. 3(WK) male or female?
What the hell!?

If 7 and 10 were together would it be a good thing?
Yes. They will make many little pirated watches.

How bout 5 and 8?
Lets not even go there.

What is 1 studying about?
I have no idea.

When was the last time you had a chat with them?
I'm talking to Melodie now, but i don't talk to any other ones, except perhaps myself... and the pirate. Arrr... We're almost brothers we ARRRRR...

Is 4 single?
I sure hope so.

Say something about 2
It flies.

Uninspired... Sorry!

2008-10-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

A standstill if you may...

That sudden feeling of uncertainty...

Of not knowing where you stand...

At times I wonder, about how the simplest gesture is a plea for help...

So tell me...

Whats your phone number?

She placed her delicate fingers on my lips and whispered silently into my ears, "nice try". Then a cow flew past me.

Yeala! In my dreams right?! But even there I get rejected!

Hahaahha I'm kidding...

I basically have nothing to write so, I'm just... fucking around, you know?

I usually come with a story to tell.. hmmm...

I don't have one yet...

Oh! I think I do!

Before I start though, I will answer a question.

No, this is not in anyway a story directed to anyone who may be listening.

There was once a little girl, she was always a beautiful, young thing. The heart break she would give to all the fairest of young men, would send them all the way to the edge of the ocean, coxed by their loved ones not to jump. Yes, however, she was not heartless, merely innocent to the silent and stale pangs of guilt that would have simply horrified her, yet that shining gleaming innocence, so pure like the white of snow, would be her greatest weapon against an adversary who was far more obvious to her knowledge. A Gnome, who lived in a cave, a little to the east of her home, just beyond the hills, had an eye on her. He simply adored the tender and lusciously young thing, eye candy as she was, he simply couldn't resist! Though a gnome was a gnome, and being the unruly little balding elf-like creature he was, he would ultimately take advantage of the little girl. Of course, not in a way, that would force me describe any adult content. . .

As the girl would everyday, come home to her family, she would use the path from the hills, as fate would gruesomely have it, it was the same eastern hills, her overprotective parents watched over. For any demons, knight, wizards or prince charmings, that might sweep her off her feet and take her away from them. You see, her mother and father, were not the least bit happy about the entire situation, about their little girls beauty of course, being a tab bit selfish, they refused to allow her little girl to be taken away by someone in the name of love. After all, she simply wasn't old enough, in her sweet sixteen's mind you.

Anyway, the path... right, so guess who would eventually show up and say hello? That is correct, or perhaps wrong. If you guessed anything rather than an annoying little bald gnome, who was as foul-mouthed, despicable and filled with almost seemingly impossible intellect. His deviousness, was always suppressed as he would be thrown into the maze of her eyes. So bright and full of hope, as if she was completely untainted by the world and all its shadows that were cast beyond the hills.Ignoring all warnings that everyone else told her about such suitors, she would begin to grow fond of the beast. So fond, that they would soon be, more, than just friends.

She was human, he was not. Familiarity breeds contempt, and soon all her beauty that was suppressing his inner longings would soon be something of the past. This immunity, was the cure to his object of desire. Soon, it did wear off.The girl, with snow white innocence, was forced to marry the gnome. Bound by blood and oath, she had no choice. What happened and how he did it, will remain a mystery for now. Well, for younger audiences anyway. So unbeknownst to her fate she simply carried on, ignoring the evil that so obviously kept her locked up with a chain. But she was human, and humans, knew how to think. Her eyes would soon open as her mind succumbed to the painful stinging truth. Also, with the help of another forest dweller, the Pan. You know, mythical creature, with a pan flute? He and her were once entwined with romance as well, but for reasons unknown to both of them they drifted apart, nevertheless, they were the best of friends. The pan would give her advice, answer questions and simply talk to her casually, having known her for so long, he has grown immune to her awestruck beauty as well. Although, never completely.

The sun beams filled the cracks of the room and littered the floor like infamous little fairies, the dust, made them dance about, being fickle with their movements as the sun watched their steps instructing them and forcing them to obey his every move, like a puppet on a string. The Pan and the young girl would talk everyday, the solid stone wall which was 12 inches thick, would be their barrier. Although they didn't see each other, their presence was merely enough to satisfy them both. With a little girl, who once had so much potential, now fallen prey to a gnome.

Okay, suddenly, my fingers are satisfied. The urge to write is gone...

I guess thats how the story goes for now, I suppose I'll write up what happens next.

WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! Unless you're all bored of this one...

But this story reflects some specific morals about life. I'll name one, What you see is what you get. So don't think you're some hot shot who can change peoples lives or attitudes, people are who they are for a reason and they'll be dammed if you try and change the way they live. By the way, the scary part of this tale is, there are sightings of real live gnomes.

Now I'm creeped out. . .

Till next time...

Heres what I saw:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article902014.ece

up to you to believe it or not, I personally thinks is cool if not so very creepy.

Curse you. . . internet. . .

2008-10-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

Form the deep bowels of my mortal coil, I hereby dub thee, the slowest internet connection on earth if I may say so myself.

By the power invested with me, I hereby compel you to be: stable, faster and efficient.

Tuesday will be here soon...

Anyway, I'm attempting to download another game, Half-Life 2:Episode 1. The follow up to the first game...

It took me a night to download 7.4%.

Doesn't anyone feel that the internet has been very unstable lately?

P1 Max better get set up soon... and they'd better not be lying about those amazing speeds..

I sure wish my country would provide a better service, after all, with today's modern and globalized world of technology and what-not, almost everyone has a computer. Thus, they'd all go online for... things...

paying bills, buying a new video game, playing video games, selling video games...

not to mention food and all that other stuff...

Yes, again, I am ranting because, I am most disappointed with my internet speeds (1kb per second) and hopefully someday, I'll go to Japan, because they get speeds like 1gig per second. I could download this game, in ONE and a half seconds.

You have no idea, what I could do with that...

Till next time...

Day 3

2008-10-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

Its like all my dreams are coming true...

I have a date for prom, and I never in a million years expected her to accept!

Thanks Han, whatever you did, to make this thing work out, thanks alot man...

Oh joyous wonder...

I don't think was ever this happy...

I'M NOT A FAILURE!!

I'M JUST AN AVERAGE GUY!

I"M AVERAGE!! HAAHAH!!

AVERAGE!!!

WOOOHHOOO!!!!

I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE STARS!!!

LETS SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO!

Dam I'm so happy right now...

Hahahaha....

Yea!

Well anyway, its been really quiet now-a-days...

I'd better get back to animating...

Whoo yea...

You can't please everyone...

hahah so try to please yourself...

be content, appreciate what you have...

so when you get something good...

You'll be twice as happy!

Till next time!

Day 2 - Brreeeaaaaeeeuuuuuu....

2008-10-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

You know how the gutsy main character goes all: HERE I GO!

And a heroic anthem plays?

Then something goes horribly wrong and ruins the moment and the music goes all...

BREEEEEEEEEAAAA*LOWERS PITCH*EEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

Dam being positive is IMPOSSIBLE!

especially when I'm writing...

its alot easier when I just talk and rant.

-_-...

I' a man of my word though.

I just need to be kept motivated.

Perhaps I should fall in love again?

Of course thats not something one simple decides...

Sleeping 24-7? Sorry, I'd love to but my body begins to reject sleep after awhile.

Cut myself - No, sorry, its just so anticlimactic, sorry, but I'm bad at dying.

Eating - ... that sure as hell wont work, I mean, I'm already kinda fat...

Drawing - PERHAPS, but it gets old after awhile know what I mean?

Anyway, the few days that passed have been quite quiet, haha, unless you count me doing something dangerous again... Best thing about youth: You can be stupid on purpose. I mean c'mon I've got one life, if I want to live it positively, I might as well try things I wanna try. Do what makes me happy you know? Haha... yea sure, go do what you've ALWAYS wanted to do, rape girls! ... Unfortunately that is against my moral values, as much as I flirt around with girls, I cant bring myself to ... initiate in sexual activity with them. I'm not old enough to buy condoms and frankly, girls struggle and sequel alot.

Recently I visited my class blogspot. It looks like my link was taken off... bummer, hh well, what are you gonna do when people just dont like you deep inside. Of course it could have just been some horrible mistake, but I dont know. People are probably out to mess with me though, I can feel it.

I used to remember there was a time I really couldn't take a joke you know? I still cant, but it used to be worse. When my friends used to pick on me and my hair. "Mushroom head" the ring leader would laugh, and all my friends would join him and point at how ridiculously funny my haircut was. That was, because I didnt have many friends. In the first place.

I suppose I just coudnt communicate with them... Sure there were a few, but I never really took the time to know them well, shame on me.

I'm sure you're wondering now though, what makes you better now than you were before?
Not much, but you learn to ignore people like that after awhile. Soon, you'll wanna ditch em and just be alone, cause even if you had real friends to hang out with, they'd be with your other friends who just didn't make you feel very much at home.

Alright sure, they were just kidding, but I guess I just cant take criticism very well... even if it does sound like insults.

I just realized how hard it would be to imagine someone else dying. No, not in front of my eyes, but when I know nothing of it until I get the funeral invitations. Why? I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that it would be so subtle and anticlimactic, it wouldn't hit me like a truck and bring m down to my knees in tears. But it would be more like "What!?" or "Oh..."

When it really comes down to it, I just don't know how I'll really react when someone I know dies... I mean c'mon, everyone dies, but its not that that makes you sad. Its when it happens abruptly and so suddenly that the news of someones death makes you cringe in sorrow.

True torture, is when you get old enough to see all your friends go before you.

On a happier note, my friend and I were discussing about life in jail. She told me how she saw this movie about two dudes who went to jail and got raped. Of course, she told me this movie was set in Europe when I told her it was sick, but what did it matter?
"You think Malaysia takde sickos is it? Mat Rempit in tights we call them." I do hope she was amused, I sure was.

Also, when I was going to walk home on another day, I stopped by to chat with a group of friends, while waiting for the rain to clear up. I had a blast! But, I got tired, just goes to show that laughing is great, but its not exactly something you should do for over an hour.

Me and friends are having a group activity. Its a ton of fun.

My eyes are failing me, I suppose thats what happens when you rant all the time.

Good riddance to bygone days...

Till next time.

Day 1

2008-10-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was finally able to do it.
It was as random as heck, but I did it.
SO THERE AHHAAH I'M NOT A FAILURE!
I DID IT!
And you know what?
Whoever it was, took me mighty seriously.
And for reasons to protect whoever it was, I wont use names.

Of course so and so gave me a long pet talk after that.
I felt really touched...
A little "tough love" never hurt anyone...

So starting from today, I'm not gonna go back on my word!
I have to people who ARENT even related to me, but they care!
Say what you want!

I'm gonna have to give it my all...
Even though I've been messed up pretty badly by myself in the past...
Its great to know that there are people out there who's got my back.
Thanks everyone...
I can look onwards now...
Finally...

I'm not a loser, nor failure...
Its only when I tell myself that... is when I believe...
I have to use this momentum to push myself forward...
ITS SINK OR SWIM! BABY!

I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself, and start looking at the things that make me a better person...
I'm not saying that i take back everything thing I said, nope!
Life IS meaningless!
But I didn't say you were doomed to life it filled with sorrow!
Fight for the things that keep you happy...
Sink or swim, live or die...

Thanks...
To whosoever is listening...

Reason?

2008-09-30T01:39:00.001-07:00

Alright, there's a pretty good reason of why all my posts are usually depressing and filled with sorrow and misanthropy.

Mainly simply because I only come here to rant about all that stuff. I don't feel the need to talk about how happy I am because thats just so fucking annoying... Then again, its not very pleasant if I just keep talking about my hatred and sorrow... In fact, its actually very much more annoying...

"Everything in moderation" huh?

Its worth noting however, that I sometimes try to be something like this is school, at home or anywhere else. People tell me to just get over it and smile. As much as I agree with them... Sometimes I just wish I was able to feel sad. I know its illogical, however, I get this certain feeling to be alone... As much as its not as fun as being with my friends...

The people that I glare at on a daily basis, the people I wish to harm... These people... fill me with so much sorrow and hatred... All of them, in one way or another, irritate me...

People who cannot bring their own stationary and have to borrow from others, and in the end, lose the borrowed item...

People who do nothing but sleep and in the end get really good grades…

People who think life is great and go all gung-ho on me in a desperate attempt to motivate me...

People who think life is: so “fabulas!” and filled with shopping and beauty products, as they fling their money everywhere on useless things and bitch all day long about things that don’t matter...

People who have really good grades and prides him or herself on them, as they are going to have a “good life”…

People who understand nothing about death, and tell me that they do…

People who feed on anothers happiness or misery in order to fulfill their own selfish desires…

I have more but the list just goes on and on…

And no one wants that, ;D

Therefore, since I simply cannot bring myself to be a jerk…

So I express myself through writing…

Which is why when I write, its usually sadistic or depressing or whatever?

There, I have given you 1 reason to believe…

Whatever this may be, a justification or reason or answer…

Up to you to decide that.

Till next time…

Excuse me? (Negative Rant)<-Due to slight sorrow

2008-09-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

"What did you say?"

I said I'm not going to study now.

Its pointless.
1 more day before my chemistry exam.
I'm not going to regret it by studying and then failing.
I'm going to instead simply await my judgment without struggling.
I can see it now.

Mr.Leong: Misses Cheng, your son's grades are dropping.
Miss Cheng: THATS IMPOSSIBLE!
Mr.Leong: But its true.

When I woke up today, I realized a good friend of mine had smsed.

Feeling blue, I wasn't I the mood to chat that night.
Little did I know she and my best friend got together to surprise me.
I wasn't very enthusiastic abut it.
I was finally able to see her in person.
Yet, it was only through my best friend that I was able to do so.
So what does it mean?
Why don't you decide?
She and my best friend have gotten pretty close.
He's good looking, smarter, popular, probably more funny than I am.
Yea, my best friend is so much better than me.
All my friend are right?

But that isn't the reason I'm so depressed.
There are many others including that one.

...

At times I often feel as if being all sad and gloomy isn't going to help me.
I feel that happiness was what I truly longed for, not sorrow, nor regret.
But life is like that.
No matter how you look at it, its still simply s ugly.
Its like trying to smile at some retarded, repulsively ugly foul-mouthed person.
You know you shouldn't, but smiling makes it that much better to face the music.

I smile in school, I smile for real.
I am happy.
I can ignore all sorrow and simply be myself.
With all my friends who I presume to care.
I sure hope they do.

I've been looking for ways to feel better about myself.
But every time I find something I can, I realize that it is simply sand, slipping through my fingers as fact and realty wash away my possessions.

What CAN I feel better about?
I'm hopeless...

FUCK THIS!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL?!

FUCK THAT RIGHT?!

WHO GIVES A SHIT!

I CANT EVEN FUCKING EXPRESS MYSELF!

THE FAILURE CANT DO SHIT RIGHT!?

yea.

Whatever, you're right.

You know what?!

Its FUN being EMO!

Its fun to be all worked up about little things that don't matter.

DO YOU WANT TEARS!?

TOO BAD!

Wow!

Suddenly.

I don't feel like doing anything.

I just feel like sleeping and wasting my time.

This numbness that I longed for...

The serene calm of nothingness...

I can finally say: nothing.

Thats what i should do.

Feel nothing!

Become silent... and yet laugh at humor.

Till next time...

Today, I am motivated about...

How people are better than me,
By feeling so bad about myself that I have to compare myself to everyone.
I feel as though I have to be just like them.
therefore, I shall strive to be mindless puppet of society, bending to its will without one of my own.

MOTIVATION #2!

Till next time

Today's motivation - A semi-positive rant

2008-09-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

Today my father spurned me on to study hard. (this does not happen often)

After he saw me reading up on my physics. (this does not happen often either)

My father admits he’s a bad man. He does not deny the fact that he had done unforgivable things to people as well as his own family. He admits having an affair, he knows its greedy, but he doesn't regret doing it.

You see, my mom and dad are two different entities who decided to get married. My dad began working when he was in standard six, he admits being unable catch up since he didn't really pay much attention to class as a child. (Like father, like son) My mom was in form 5 when they met. She didn’t go to college though.

My dad was good looking, although he doesn't look half as bad as he does now, even if you compared how he looked during the younger days. My mom went for him, because she is in fact, a materialistic sorta girl, as most girls were at her age and time. He was poplar and a bad boy, he also had a tough-looking body, since he was working as one of those low-life's people who moved stuff. I suppose it was love at first sight as they didn't think their relationship throughly. I couldn't blame them though, my parents did what they thought was best. I shouldn't be mad at them for thinking bout what best for themselves, because, quite frankly, it was probably the best for me and my older sister as well.

My older sister didn't study much, her grades we average. Until the semi-divorce, she then began to work hard. Which made her what she is today. Hard-working and intelligent. She also inherited my mother’s genes...

She goes on “shopping sprees” now.

My good god.

You cant blame another person for being different but... RM1k through clothing is like putting a hole in my chest and filling it with salt and detergent.

Now, my parents are having a war on property.

Deciding who gets what and which child receives property. Back-stabbing each other and cussing and blaming each other for things that happened in the past. Yet, telling me that I shouldn't hold malice or disappointment within my heart.

Instead, after talking behind each others backs, the one who is backstabbing will always say:”can’t blame” him or her or he or she “is doing the best for you”. Even if both of them loathe each other like cats and dogs.

At times like these, I should never forget.

Your parents always do what is right for you.

You may choose to question their judgement.

You might be right.

But in the end, how can you truly win an argument against the people who care for you?

How can you truly say you despise the people who clothe you.

Who feed you, nurture you, supply you with money.

But all that is so materialistic.

In the end it only maters that they gave life to us.

Regardless of their actions, if you’re alive long enough to understand what I’m writing.

Perhaps your parents aren’t so bad at all.

Of course. Who am I to say anything?

I’m just expressing myself.

I was given the right to. Along with such rights, came life.

Unforgiving, cold and harsh. All at the same time beautiful and magnificent.

It only depends on how you look at it all.

I’m in a good mood today.

Honestly, I promise nothing.

I wont say I’ll change for the better or I’ll never be sad again.

Those are lies. To myself.

The best part is, I don’t even believe in them.

Perhaps that is why I am always so easily plunged into sorrow and chaos.

Perhaps that is why I am so, fragile and brittle.

By understanding that I am easily hurt, I change nothing.

Perhaps this is the way I shall always be. Perhaps I shall always be easily hu-
BULLSHIT
As much as I’d like to allow people to step all over me, I’m prepared to snarl back at people who wish to take advantage of my weaknesses.

Life is a cruel mistress, be that as it may, you shall continue to live. So make the best of things. Life may be meaningless, but but you can just ignore that.

Till next time.

Hugging my knees in silence...

2008-09-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

There is a girl, her name is Junne

My "friend" Presley introduced her to me.

I suppose he wanted to show her what kind of idiot I was so she'd appreciate him...

And began to like him and all that...

So I decided why not? This girl was probably some materialistic little vixen who cam whores and pouts and bitches about...

Like some girls I knew...

So... I acted like a fool...

But instead of developing feelings of spite for me...

I suppose she grew curious...

As time grew from then onwards, I realized she was a nice girl...

I even gave her my number...

What the **** was I thinking?

haha thats what I thought at first....

Luckily she was really a girl...

phew...

As time grew... she began to develop feelings for me...

But I would shun them....

Before falling for her as well...

But by that time...

I was too late...

Now I am merely her talking pillow... the one who serenades her to sleep....

I suppose it was foolish of me to do so....

But she deserves better...

I found out things about her...

Miss Junne, has a successful family

She herself is very intelligent.

Shes a very needy girl.

Very needy...

Usually I accept her calls...

I don't call because I'm afraid I might bother her...

Also, I'm even more afraid because she can talk amazingly fast and precise.

Till I can even understand what shes saying to me.

I've never fought with her.

I cant argue with someone who needs me so badly.

Who doesn't admit it, but you know because she would have let you go if she didn't need you.

But does she really need me?

Once I purposely pretended to fight with her...

She can scream...

She didn't call me for... god knows how long...

In a way my heart was filled with both joy and sorrow

I was happy because she would have finally let me go... and I wouldn't have to feel like every time I gave her my feelings, they'd be returned... worn out and tattered...

But there was sorrow in me, for I knew what I had done was something atrocious and despicable... utterly repulsive and unbeknownst to her... on purpose...

But one day she called me back...

I began to attempt ignoring her...

... She had my house phone number...

That girl was utterly desperate to apologize to me....

But I just didn't understand....

Why?

Why bother with someone who has scared you so much?

Why?

She apologized...

I felt needed... like a little girl crying to a lost sparrow that had pecked her and escaped from his cage...

The sparrow, free to fly off whenever he wanted...

But the sparrow felt wanted... he felt needed....

So as foolish as he was...

The sparrow flew back into his cage... and was chained....

The girl continued to talk endlessly to the sparrow...

As the sparrow chirped endlessly...

Caged for life....

Knowing his master only wanted to use him...

To borrow his ear... to listen...

Just like every other girl...

We boys are merely sparrows...

Sparrows who are free until they find their lovers...

Who shall trap them in cages made of love and care....

Filed with warmth and doting passion ...

What sparrow can resist?

The cage of a girls heart?

Yes... the cage that is riddled with thorns and blades...

What boy, can resist?

Certainly not me...

But even if we suffer...

We hope to remain in this cage...

Until the day we bled to our deaths...

Until the day the girl buries our corpse and mourns our deaths...

Until she forgets... and finds another sparrow...

Until... we are forgotten...

Forever...

"Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey, it awaits us all at the end of our journey. Although life, is not a journey that should be partaken without hope..."

I took that out of a game...

Till next time

If you're wondering...

2008-09-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

What kind of a psychotic lunatic I am....

I'm the sort who has something called "Misanthropy"

Go look it up if you're not sure what it means...

Sometimes I sit in my seat at school, and throw a glare once or twice at those I wish would perish...

The malice within me sometimes grows too strong... and cannot be expressed because I have no balls and it goes against my moral values

I feel so lonely inside... but I'm happy that I have friends on the outside...

So happy, happiness that allows me to forget who I am and smile and laugh...

Sometimes I wish I never thought so much about the human race and my existence, which dramatically led to my mindless and never-ending battle between what is right and wrong.

Sometimes I succumbed to fear... and the only deliverance I can hope to achieve from such endless sorrow and such melancholy is death....

Yes.. death of which we do not want, death of which we fear...

I know nothing of death

It is always in the corner... grieving... laughing, crying. Such dolefulness is his joy... The funeral, the mourning... and his sadness...

Death is a carefully precise and agile stranger... no stranger than any of us, mind you. He enjoys taking his time... but always makes it fast and painless... Sometimes it isnt fast and painless...

But he always makes sure you're safe in his arms in the end... cradling you... in his arms...

So in the end, I know nothing of death, nothing at all...

Death is of by no means a deliverance.

But human beings have many ways to look at things.

We fear what we do not understand.

Perhaps I'm a little eccentric... my pride and joy lies in being different...

Different just like all of you are from each other

I enjoy writing about such things...

I do not know what I am...

Even if I were to say I was anything but human.

No one would believe me

Believe what you must, thats the only thing that matters

I have no power

I have no love

I have nothing

I have nothing but perhaps someday... I will have something...

But I'd rather have nothing

Than have a bad something

I love rain, its bliss brings me somewhere else...

I am but of an eccentric little cowardly boy.

Filled with drama and angst... Strutting about in my confusion and weeping to the confines of my humble abode... which I might soon lose mind you...

But anything can be called home...

So it doesn't matter...

But then again.... nothing does....

Ring a ring of roses a, pocket full of posies, atishoo ,atishoo , we all fall down...

We all fall indeed...

So now that I have further complicated things for you.

Perhaps it is time I stopped...

For confusion in the mind breeds ...

Well... just about everything else I'm afraid....

I express myself because I feel better after I do...

The malice inside me can be thrown away...

So I may be happy...

So grant me this gift...

Allow me to write....

To express...

My grief and angst towards all of you...

Otherwise...

Well, I wouldn't know what otherwise actually...

Selfish, that is what I am...

A disaster that was meant to live

So live, crippled young thing

Your tears will only bring joy to others...

And others will bring you happiness and sorrow

So happily as the spotlight sings....

As the once happy boy, losses his armor and shine...

And the sunflowers die off into the night...

What reason is there for him to live?

That reason...

Is death...

Life-ending death...

Everything must die...

Everything should live

But it must die...

Meaningless, all meaningless

How can there be logic if there is no meaning?

Blasphemy! all blasphemy!

Ridiculed by mankind's own logic

Death is what we all wish not to know...

But death brings change, it brings us difference...

Without death, here can be nothing new...

There will be nothing different...

There will be no birth...

No birth to death...

We would all stand still in time...

For time would not slowly die...

There would be no laughter and joyous lamentable things...

There would be no sorrow...

There would be nothing

Give me something

Give me something good

Give me everything

But give me nothing...

Nothingness....

How meaningless

YOU LITTLE GAY DOGS!!!

2008-09-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

YOU DONT DESERVE IT!! YOU DONT DESERVE ANY OF IT!!!

GOOD GRADES DONT MATTER SHIT!!!

AARGHHHHHH!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

AAAARGHHHH I HATE YOU!!! I HATE BOTH OF YOU!!!!

DIE DIE DIE!!!!
AAARGGHHHHHH!!!

*pant* *pant*

...

phew, glad to get that off my chest...

Yesterday my dad went to China with his mistress...

Yes, I am asking pity from you, I wont deny how pathetic I am

If he comes home and decides that I am unworthy of being his kin...

I might not even have a roof over my head to appreciate...

I will lose my home

Give me everything

Give me your home, your life,

Give it all to me

Life is nothing without money and power

But it wont matter after you die

Give me your friends

Give me everything

I HATE YOU BOTH

AARGHHHHHH AND YOU

YOU SCUM! UNWORTHY OF LIVING!

YOU"RE A USELESS IDIOT! ARRGHHHH

YOU HAVE NO HOPE AND FUTURE, YET YOU STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO CLING ON TO

WHY!?

WHY IS LIE SO UNFAIR?!
WHY!?! AHAHAHAHHAHA!!

WHY!!!?!?!?

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You know how I love gritting my teeth?

hhaah yes, grinding my teeth to ashs...

ashes to ashes, dust to dust....

haahha...

How can life be so unfair?

Everyone else smiles

Everyone else can look the other way and ignore the worlds ugliness

How we humans strut about in our folly like little cockroaches

AARRGHH I HATE YOU!!!

I HATE YOU KAI!!!!

DIEE DAMMIT!! DIEEE!!!

WHY WONT YOU JUST DIEE!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!

IF YOU CANT ENJOY LIFE JUST DIEEE!! ARGHHHH!!!

KILL ME SOMEONE KILLE ME NOW ARGGGHHHH!!!

KILL KAI THAT IDIOT WHOS ALWAYS SO STUPID AND FUCKED UP!!!

WHOS ALWYAS BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF FUCK!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK

ARRGHHH DIE JUST DIE

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A USELESS PUSSY!!?

HAVE SOME BALLS AND KILL YOURSELF!!!

YOU HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
haHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
aahahahahahaha!
!!

Why?

Why was I so stupid?

So stupid to believe I was anything ?

WHY!? WHY ARE YOU STO STUPID KAI?! WHY!?
ANSWER ME!!!

YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!

EVERYONE HAS NO HOPE FOR YOU!!!

YOU"RE USELESS!!

EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE NOTHING SO WHY BOTHER!?

DIEEE!!!!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!

DIEEEE NOW DIEEEE DIEEEE DIEEEE!!

YOU CANT CRY!! YOU"RE A MAN! SUCK IT UP!!!

DONT BE YOURSELF STUPID< SUCK IT UP!!!

BE SOMEONE ELE THAT SOCIETY ACPTS STUPID< NOW DO IT DO IT NOWW ARHHHH

SUFFER LIKE A WORM WHILE OTHERS LAUGH AND PLAY
HAHAHAHAHAHHjahahaahahahaha
ahahaaha
aahhahaa
hahaaaja!!!!!!!!!!!

SUCCUMB TO YOUR FEAR AND ANXIETY!! SOON YOU SHALL DIE!!!

AHAHAHAH LIKE A WORTHLESS PARASITE!!

YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT!! NOTHING!!!

OTHERS ARE HAPPY YOU ARENT

YOU ARE THE ODD ONE

DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE< YOU!!!!!

ARGHHH YOU SCUM

YOU CAN TEAR AND SOB TO SOMEONE ELSE AND TELL THEM YOUR LIFE SUCKS!?

LIESS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

LIAR!

WHY DO YOU TEAR!?

YOU AENT LOSING YOUR HOME!

GIVE ME EVERYTHING!!

GIVE IT ALL TO ME!!!

HAHAAHAHAHAHAH YOUR HAPPINESS!!!

GIVE IT!!!!!

AHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!

I AM SELFISH JUST LIKE KAI!!! HAHAHAHAHAH SELFISH!!!! AHAHAHAH

LOOK! ITS THE FOOL AHAHAHAHAHA!! DIEEEE!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

UYOU DESRVER BNOTHING N LIFE!!

STO BEING SO KIND AND NICE!!

YOU SUCK! THE WORLD HATES YOU!!

YOU ANT HAPPINESS!!?

DIE!!!!
JUST DIEEE!!!

YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!!!! DIEEE JUST DIEEE ARGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

when I was a kid

I always watched those stupid shows

You know, disney cartoons?

"Good guys always win"

BULLSHIT !!! ALL BULLSHIT!!!

DEATH!! GOOD GUYS DESERVE DEATH AARGHHHH

SO WHAT IF I FEEL BETRAYED!!! ARGHH !!

SO WHAT IF I'M SUCH A LOSER!!?!?!?

I MUST DIE SO MUST YOU KAI!!!

YOUR MEANIGLESSS EXISTANCE IS THE MOST MEANINGLESS OF ALL!!

JUST DIE!! ROT!!!! SUFFER!!HHAAHAHAHahaa
aahahahaha
hhaahhahahahahaahH!HH!H@H!H!H!H@@H!!
!

CRY LIKE A USELESS SOBBING BAG OF MEAT!!!! CRY!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahah!! SUFFER!!! AAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

For the first time in my life

I have met a born loser

AND THATS YOU KAI!!!

WHAT A FUCKING USELESS LOSER YOU ARE!!!

YOU DONT HAVE A GIRL!!

YOU'VE BEEN CHAISNG SOMEONE FOR YEARS!!

YOU CANNOT HAVE HER

YOU CANNOT HAVE NAYTHING!!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING!!!! NOTHING BUT TO SUFFER!!

BUT OTHERS MUST TAKE IT ALL!!

TAKE IT ALL!!!

TAKE MY HOME!!!

TAKE MY HAPPINESSS!!!

TAKE MY LIFE!!!

TAKE IT ALL!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE ID IDIE DIEID EID EI DIE DIE ID EID IE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIED IE DIE DI EID EI DID EIDI DIDE I DIE IDEI IDE IDIE IDIE I DIE i DIE I DIE

HHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAhhahhAHAAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!

LAUGH TA ME !!!!! LAUFH!!!!

THE FOOL!!!! YOU SOUGHT HAS EXISTED!!!

THE ONE WHO ENTERTAINS!!! AHAHAHAH!!!

BECAUSE HES TOOS TUPID TO STOP AHAHAHH!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

THATS FUCKIG IT HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!! ARAHHHAHHAAHAH
!

FUCK OFFF!!!!

DIE KAI!!!
\JUST DIE THERES NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU N LIFEE!!!

JUST DIE!!!!

YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT REST PLEASE DIE!! DIE!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEEE

PLEASE....
pleae...
..

Well I'm feeling better... until I feel the urge I will return

...

ahah IF I STAY SANE AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHADIDIEE UHUHHHUhhhuuhhhh,,,

...

Rain upon my parade please

2008-08-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Face it.

You're nothing but hypocrites.

You worthless good for nothings.

You live life and take it for granted, but you don't look at the reality of your hopelessness and pointless accusations.

Good grades don't mean shit when I die.

A disgrace to my parents? Disappointment to my peers?

None of that matters when I'm rotting and dead.

My accomplishments? Friends?

None of that is going to be worth anything to me once I'm dead.

Because I'm selfish.

Selfish and lonely, i don't understand it all myself, but I'm sure some smug bastard is going to tell me off once he sees my words

And go into some sort of moving lecture or speech,

The thing is, I cant help but appreciate the care and concern that someone would take their time to carefully compose their feelings towards me.

And trust me.

I'm very easily moved.

Because in a way I want to be moved, to be punched in the face because someone cares for me.

Because I'm selfish, I want people to care.

And sometimes I wish they didn't because I never asked for it that time.

Yes, I'm selfish.

Life is going to end.

All Life will someday.

The hatred I share for those who are better than me and strut their fancy clubs, awards and medal...

Will not matter when I die.

So why? Why do I bother to be jealous and loathe myself because some people are better than me and yet have no humility? Why do I have so much hatred for all this inequality of fairness?

Because I'm merely human.

I'm merely a "pinnacle of evolution"

That has been given freedom to think, to choose.

What I believe is right.

And yet, sometimes...

I tend to choose what I believe is wrong...

Because it just so happens to be what I want to do.

And I do whatever the hell I want to do.

Life is a meaningless existence.

You choose to live it to the fullest.

I'm still waiting for something to kill me here...

And if that doesn't happen soon. Hopefully my weakness and jealousy will drive me to the brink of insanity.

Then.

I can finally rid the world of a spec of its future.

You all...

The children...

At least a select few that I have in mind.

Because when you cut others.

And kill the ones you laugh with.

Good grades.

Don't matter.

They don't matter at all.

Said the boy without blood on his hands.

The coward and the fool.

MORE RANDOMNESS

2008-07-29T07:21:00.001-07:00

Ahhh... Twisted is the fate of an adolescent boy...

But things have been looking good for me... but this is probably a calm before the storm... man I'm getting too old for this...

One day I'm happy and the next everything crumbles into little broken pieces. . . so basically I'm looking at a never-ending cycle...

I'm getting too old for this -_-"...

I recall last sports day, when someone waved at me and called me some other name... later that day, some weirdo grabbed my ass... when he turned around, he had that "Owh... I'm sorry.. wrong person" face.

...

So men CAN feel violated, now I know how girls feel after being touched.

I went to my local mall a few months later.

Some girl with specs waved at me...

...

They just kept waving as I sorta walked away...

...

Is there any point to this? Of course there is, theres a reason for everything...

...

Aliens are making homosexual clones of me and using them to spy on us...

So if you see me in the streets, acting a little bit... un-manlike...

My advice is: Run

You aliens will pay for your treachery... or not...

But this isn't a joke or anything, I'm serious about this whole uncanny coincidences...

... cool...

Well besides the part where I got violated...

yea...

thats not so cool...

Random Ranting

2008-07-29T07:20:00.001-07:00

I'm going to kill you

It’s so simple

I just have to hunt you down

And become friends with you

And when you're not looking

I'll stick a knife into you

It’s that simple

And just to make sure, you twist and twist...

That’s how fragile everything is

Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly lose something

You lose it

And then you lose something else

Something personal

You could lose your cool, pride...

But think about it...

Everything happens for a reason

Because life is so fragile

You can kill too

And if you're killed

Well, threes always the afterlife or heaven to back you up

So you wont face nothingness forever, that’s more fearful isn’t it? Facing nothing. Forever.

I'd sleep.

But when I wake up, there'd be nothing.

Maybe even in my dreams there'd be nothing.

But at least its better to conscious of nothing.

If I were to die.

It'd be the happiest day of my life.

Because, it'd be my last.

"Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey, it awaits us all at the end of our journey, but life is not a journey that should partaken without hope." Igor

Yea, I love that quote, say what you want, I don’t give a s***

I await all opportunities

All opportunities for my life to end

But lately it’s been a little sad

Even a truck didn’t kill me

I'm rather disappointed

I have scars to show for it

Death is but of a blessing

It does not signify the end, but simply a change or the beginning of something new

It is something we fear, but only because we cannot understand it

If we knew what death was?

We wouldn’t fear it

Unless, you have your own views

Embrace death

At the end of your life, there is no selfishness of others to keep you on earth to suffer...

There is simply no meaning if you should die at old age

So go ahead

Do not close suicide as an option in life

It’s a choice many people don’t make and suffer for it

Dearly...

But it all just depends doesn’t it?

Live or die, there is no difference

Celebrate life's grandeur its magnificence

Drink from its wine of joy and happiness

Before you succumb to its numbing pain and suffering and wither away slowly and painfully

I hate it when people compare me with smarter people

It pisses me off

I bet smarter people hate it when they are being compared to someone stupid

It pisses them off too

They just pretend it doesn’t

Obscene isn’t it?

Till next time!

Things about me... and stuff...

2008-07-29T07:17:00.001-07:00

I am a pervert.

I like women

I like girls even more

I love electronics

They make my life that much easier

I hate marriage

However I am fond of relationships

I am afraid of ghosts

Thats right, no need to chuckle, just laugh out loud

I love it when I get to interact with girls

Its just that interesting

Their reactions always amuse me, but I have to always be kind

I have a bad immune system

Which means its very likely that I will die of some horrible disease

I hate it when people change the topic abruptly

Its so annoying

I love blogs

I hate jerks who prey on those who do, and just annoy the hell out of them

I hate maggots and worms

I just wanna squish them, but I don’t want to dirty my hands

I love how it rains all the time

I hate it when its hot

Then again I cant take extremely cold temperatures

My nose would bleed

If you’re a girl

And you think its hard being a girl

You’re right

It probably is

I hate it when people pressure me

I know, I’m weak

But I’ll overcome it somehow

I hope that I die a little sooner

Don’t wanna grow old and be a bother

Besides,

Growing old is boring and dirty

There is no beauty to it

Its just like war

It cant be justified

Its ugly

I don’t want to live long enough to experience something so fearful

Yes,I am afraid of growing old

Is that strange?

I don’t know

I don’t think so, but I’m sure you do

Because you have already followed societies guidelines

The idea of good and bad

But thats just it isn't it?

There is good and bad

But no absolute good or bad

So thats not really good or bad isn't it?

It just depends on how you look at things

So in the end it all comes down to you

Suicide is cowardly

But does that mean making your own decisions is cowardly as well?

Does it mean that people who have plans are cowards?

Does it mean that if I choose to live I am a coward? Just as I choose to die?

No.

Because we humans are selfish

We cannot bear to lose another

Because that one would have been freed from life’s struggles

And we don’t want that do we?

No.

Thats why we cry when someone who is dear to us decides to make a choice

We feel so betrayed that that someone can just leave us to suffer

Even after all we’ve been through

You decided to betray us by being more selfish than us

Shame on you

We hope you suffer in purgatory

Or suffer endless bliss in Nirvana

Because when you do the same thing forever

It gets old doesn't it?

Even if it is endless torment or bliss

You get bored

Everything is so vague

There is no absolute anything

Nothing we know of a hundred percent

Only things that are close to that

I wish people could see me rant like this

Its so weird

:D

Blue Green and lastly Red

2008-05-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

These are the colour of which my soul speaks. And I say, WTF!? I understand blue but Green?! and Red was last on the list so, go figure eh?

Re-opening old wounds

2008-04-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome! since I'm lazy to the core, I have decided to just use my old blog as what shall be used to fetch my English Homework.

Well stick around, look about, perhaps you shall see an interesting side of me, perhaps... too interesting... Twisted and resentful, spiteful and vengeful! See how I strut and fret about as I drag soul in this pitiful mortal coil.

So sit, enjoy, please, enjoy the show, it has only just begun.

...or at least, is picking up where it left off...

My Own Philosophy -Chapter 1- "MUSHROOM HEAD"

2007-05-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

What did I truly long for? What was I meant to do?

These thoughts echoed through my mind as I walked pass the corridors with my overweight bag and my giant hurdle of books. I looked upon the faces of everyone, I reflected that with the folly that was the so-called, brimming exodus of life, the peak of youth, the very heart and soul of humanity, the essence of adolescence. Commonly known as our childhood. I was a carefree boy, stress and depression would have never sunk their unruly jaws of disaster and catastrophe onto the flesh of a delusional happy boy. Perhaps I would have gone to great lengths to become known, maybe I just wanted a share of attention, or was I simply mad?

As a child, I was always interested in dinosaurs and insects. It could have been my mothers influence to force me to watch national geographic documentaries when I was a child, but solely, I developed an interest in prehistoric beasts and creepy crawlies. Because of that, I was probably the only one in kindergarten who loved to play with little bugs when the other boys squirmed in fear. Even so, I still had freinds, in fact I still make freinds the way I do now 13 years ago...

I drew pictures

I was in my own world. Sketching new characters to represent the people in my life, hoping maybe if I was nice to everyone, maybe they wouldn't laugh at me. This vision was unfortunately, shattered. People laugh at me when I say things like that. Some fight back in protest, while some hold their tongue in silence. Some simply choose not to care.

But whatever the case may be, I suppose life still goes on...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xtra Stuff!

When Kai meets up with his mysterious pen pal!

*Cue episode music*

...

Kai: hmmm... ( I wonder what she'll look like )

Large hairy man: Excuseh moi~ duh yui hyappen to noh where teh restehwooms arwe?

Kai: ...uhhh... over there... sir.. (No... it only happens in comic books...)

Large hairy man: Uh, Wuhay thankeh yuu Sunneh~ See yah around!

Kai: ... (*phew* see? what did I tell ya?)

Even LARGER hairy man with B.O. : Mumomuaomuoamomomo...

Kai: O_O" uhhh...

Even LARGER hairy man with B.O. :Muai!? Muuuaaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!

Kai: ... OH fuck, well at least it cant get any worse than it already is....

Even LARGER hairy man with B.O. :Muiamuhhhhggguurrlll

Kai: HOLY!

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. : MUaiwuvjo

Kai: OH MAY GOOOODDD!!!

*Kai pulls out a large weapon and kills himself*

...

Kai: It was all a dream?

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. :Mope~

Kai: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. : Missmeh~

Kai: NO! I DONT MISS YOU! FUCK OFF MY BED!

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. : Muiiissssehhh mmeeeeee.....

Kai: ... no

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. :... Muaaaakkkkkssssssss~

Kai: O_O ...

*FOR ADDITIONAL PURPOSES, I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO POST KAI'S SCREAM*

...

Kyo: ... somehow, I feel like i should be smiling...

Kai: -cough- oh no, I lost my voice...

Even LARGER hairy "girl" with B.O. : /O_O\ ...

Kai: YOU! FUCK off-cough- My -cough- ... *phant* I WILL CALL THE *cough* fuck -cough- police-cough-

*The screen rotates in various camera angles as Kai prepares to do battle*

Kai: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------END-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nerd#1: *SNORT* WHAD DUH FUG?!

Nerd#2: BOOOOOOOO

*BANG*

Kai: HAHAHHAHAHH-cough- ... *ahem* hehehe~ whos laughing now?

Girl: Erm, are you Kai?

Kai: -cough- oh yes, may I help you?

Girl: *SLAP*

Kai: OH-COUGH-...cough-cough- -cough- WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?

Girl: Forgot about me?

Kai: lady, I do believe -cough- we just met

Girl: Oh really? Muai?

Kai: ... wait... "fattypatty_muakzses*hearts*everyone@g-mail.com"?

Girl:*HMPH!* *walks off*

Kai: 0_0"... what the -cough-

LOSSON:
Never meet girls online, especially if you don know that they are monstrous predators out to get you, who after you threaten to stab them with a pen, leave your house and come back as some hot chick who slaps you with a handbag full of pokey pick up stick toys.

TODAY! KAI LEARNS A GREAT MORAL LESSON!!

Kai got: "MORAL LESSON #24" !

Kai put "MORAL LESSON #24" in backpack.

Kai leveled up!

Kai wants to learn "Screamlikeacrazymadmanandrunaround" but cant learn more than 4 moves, delete?

>>Hell Yea!
Nah...

1,2...3 and... ... POOF! Kai forgot common sense and learned "Screamlikeacrazymadmanandrunaround"!

END

Intro

2007-05-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

This is me, I'm a dork, loser, geek, emo person, a nobody, a freak, a gloomy kid, ugly, pathetic.

Choose what you think is the most suitable, but the choices is up to you, either way, I wont care.

I will pour my heart and soul out in writing how much I hate life and all its inhabitants, you can play a role of choosing to leave or stay and read, thats up to you.

If you want to say bad things about me, please do it in my face, I'm sure you'll love to see me all pised off and angry at you.

Maybe I wasn't always like that? Maybe, but I cant go back to being a kid anymore, Life has no U-turns or undo's you have to keep walking, even if you're broken.

I've been told once, "SUCK IT UP, YOU WILL SUCK IT UP!" and I've done just that, I loathe all of humanity, its so repetitive and unrealistic. And by not hoping, but not trusting, by shunning... I wont be hurt by the ones I would have trusted... A mask I shall wear, to conceal my urge to walk the path of life alone, for no one can make it through alone. Although the ones that you thought would help you would ultimately strive to bring you down, they're just waiting in silence to do so. To strip you of your glory and all you have worked for. Or just to simply make you feel horrible.

I've made so many mistakes in life, I thought by being a good person, people would not go out and harm me . I thought that maybe by helping them, they'd help me back. I thought if I respected people, I would gain back the respect I had so dished out for them. I hate people...
I hate you all, cinapet wannabes, Cyber cafe freaks, Unruly Punks, Lowly bullies, snobby high class intellectuals, slutty whores of my generation who wont even respect themselves enough to think about their virginity, noisy fat a**holes who wont shut up, People who wont leave me the hell alone..

I don't like being near big crowds, I hate being around people, if I had a choice. I'd rather die painlessly than hang out wit people. I've been wronged so many times in my life, just for trying to help. Well no more. I may not be able to stop helping people, I may be a fool. But if I can at least get past school before I die.

I've done my best.

If you thought you knew the real me, you were right, you did. But I've changed. As someone once said:"If you cant accept me for who I am, go and f*** yourself" . I'm over girls, I thought maybe I could at least get someone to notice me, but I guess I was wrong. I cant get a girl, I'm such a loser. So basically I was born to be mocked

Leave me alone. I like peace and quiet. I like clearing my mind. I am emo inside deep down. But I'm not like them, I wont resort to smoking, I wont slit my wrist, I wont hurt myself, I wont attempt to kill myself. Because if its one person who I trust. Its myself. And I'm going to attempt to stay alive for as long as I can. Even if I have to run away. But I don't fear death. No, I invite death, I just have things to do first... So til then, I cant die yet.

"Life is a meaningless existence, life it to the fullest"

Its so stupid, its so dumb, but its mine, so say what you want.